on assertiveness

Back in high school and college, I was a bit shy. I realized this and made a concerted effort in my senior year to become more outgoing. I improved, greatly due to my job as a cashier at a gas station, which forced me to talk to strangers, a.k.a. customers. I was also fairly passive, and, in fact, a professor recommended that I take a course in assertiveness training. Point taken -- I worked on being more assertive.

My career as a child protection social worker forced me to be assertive. You can't be a wall flower when taking someone's child away because of abuse or neglect. Nor can you be passive when dealing with family members/teachers/reporters/the general public who are angry about the fact you did OR didn't remove someone's child. And then there's juvenile court. Those attorneys will eat you up and spit you up if you let them. I learned, bath by fire, to stand my ground. Acting assertive? No problem! Knowing when to back down? hmmm, THAT I lost track of.

Now, in my current life as a SAH mom, I'm fairly conflict-free, at least, with people taller than 5 feet. I don't get a chance to manage conflicts or practice my assertiveness. However, recently I've had a couple of occasions that have raised this issue for me. Do you remember that post from December when I was hiding out in the laundry room? I'll fill you in.

So, in early December, Madison had a whopper of a snowstorm. We, along with all of our neighbors, were out for hours working on our sidewalks and driveway. We cleared as well as we could, and then a couple of days later, we had a hard freeze. This all resulted in sidewalks that were level but not cleared to the concrete. A couple of weeks after the snowstorm, I found a notice on our door that we were in violation of the ordinance to clear our sidewalks. I called the city to inquire further, and they explained that, had we put down a salt/sand mixture, we wouldn't be receiving a ticket. However, there was nothing we could do. We had a fine of $114

and until 8 am the following morning to clear the sidewalks.

Bob was out there until midnight chipping away at the sidewalk, and I went out to the store to get sand and salt. (The location where the city directed me to go to for free salt/sand had none -- or if they did, I couldn't find it under the snow cover, which was totally frustrating and swear-word worthy.) We got it cleared, and in days afterwards, I noticed the city coming with bobcats, clearing some of our neighbors' sidewalks.

I was so embarrassed by this. I pride myself that I'm a good citizen. We recycle; we help little old ladies cross the street; we feed birds in our bird feeders in the winter. And then I got angry, in addition to embarrassed. As I started talking with neighbors about this, I found out that two of my neighbors got their tickets tossed out. Another was arguing with the city about their ticket. I decided to get assertive and try to get our ticket dismissed.

I assembled my argument, left a couple of messages, and, after no response, I sent a letter to several people via email explaining why this was an unnecessary ticket (the condition of our street was very poor for several weeks, the condition of city walkways were also poor, we have never had any problems with snow removal after 14 years of home ownership in the city of Madison, etc). I was met with a stone wall. An email in response, by a manager-type person, was terse and unrelenting (and he misspelled my name - grr). Our sidewalks were a safety hazard. We deserved the ticket. I called to argue my point, and the person I got on the phone was rude and dismissive, interrupting me and talking OVER me. I had to restrain myself from really blowing my cool -- instead, I stayed calm. When it was clear I would have no mercy with this man, I paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and said, "have a nice day." May seem like a little moment to some, but that was big for me. I realized he had dug his heals in, and there would be no gains in continuing the argument. Instead of completely dismissing him as an SOB, I thought, "he is probably someone's father, someone's brother, someone's son and he is just doing his job."

This (not so) little story came to an end today, in that this morning was our court appearance for this ticket. I told Enzo we were going on a field trip to see how the legal system works. We parked downtown and talked about the police cars we saw. We went through the metal detectors and got our place in line. The deputy was very kind to all of us miscreants, and she even gave a little stuffed monkey to Enzo ("that I can keep forever ever?" he asked). I was curious about the reasons the other people were there -- who was a speeder? who maybe had a DUI? any other bad shovelers in the crowd? But I couldn't discern anything about anyone else, as the meetings with the judge were private. After briefly stating my case, the judge determined that, if we don't get another ticket for a year, he will dismiss the ticket. I thanked him and left very happy.

But, in the end, I am most pleased with how I handled the phone call with the city employee. I was certainly assertive, not too passive, not too aggressive. Like Goldilocks, I got it right in the end. And I got out of $114 ticket!