October 9, 1997

First of all, thank you very much for your kind words.  Anonymous #1, I seem to recall you having pneumonia in my house, and I'd like to remind you about how easy it was (cough, cough) for you to relax and get better.  It gets a little raucous around here.  Not necessarily the quiet, rehabilitative environment one would seek out when one is recovering from an illness.

A brief update:  I am feeling better, emotionally as well as physically.  The anti-biotics seem to be doing their job.  I'm still cough cough coughing, but not nearly as badly as before and not through the night anymore.  I have a curious wheeze still, which the inhaler I've been prescribed doesn't seem to touch.  Or maybe it's that I don't know how to use an inhaler.  I'll recover fully, this I know for sure.

As far as emotionally and interpersonally, we are on the mend around here too.  My low point last weekend was when I mentioned to Bob that I wondered if we even liked each other anymore (forget about love) and he responded, a bit honestly, a bit brutally, that he wondered the same thing.  The good thing is that we've always been good at communicating - when we make time for it - and we've made a commitment to continue to work toward our shared goals and not be so petty towards each other.  At least, that's what I need to do.  I hear myself being such a nag somedays.  Ugly.

Ugh.  Enough of that.

So, my sweet brother sent me an email reaching out to me and wondered how much of my emotional fragility (my words, not his) was tied to the anniversary I just passed.  I was, still am, so appreciative that he has not forgotten the significance for me that is October 9, 1997.

15 years ago, this past Tuesday, I had what I think of as a life changing moment.  I experienced my first "real" adult death that day (other than my dog dying a few years earlier, which I did take very hard actually, but she was elderly and it was her time).  (Oh, but Tabitha - I still miss you, little doggy!)

In 1992, I started working as a child protection social worker doing "intake" (which means, we were the people who took the abuse/neglect phone calls and then went out knocking on the doors to investigate).  This was my second professional job as a social worker.  I got hired into a unit full of young, vibrant, interesting people.  I made fast and deep friendships with people I am still very close to.  This is what happens, I think, when you work in this sort of crisis work environment -- police officers, ERs in hospitals, etc.  You become very close to your co-workers because you need to.

We worked and played hard together.  We went to work conferences out of town and spent more time in the bars than in the conferences.  We spent many a Friday night at a local bar, letting off steam.  There were about 7 or so in the group - men and women, older and younger - and I love every one of them.

One of them was my friend, Marty.  He was 7 years older than me and had a wicked sense of humor.  Marty and I spent a lot of time outside of work together - sometimes with Bob (whom I was/am married to), sometimes with Marty's girlfriend, and sometimes just the two of us.  Bob was never jealous, and our friendship was strictly platonic.  I am grateful that things never felt weird that I was so close to a male friend.

Bob, Marty and I went on vacations together.  We went on bike rides around Madison.  We spent many nights playing Balderdash or other board games, which often ended with Marty and me trying to outdo each other in ridiculousness while the rest of the group tired of our antics.  We went to rock concerts together.  I was with Marty at the Memorial Union the night of OJ Simpson's slow speed Bronco chase.  He was a HUGE part of my life.  I knew that we would be life long friends.  That we would grow old together and that our children would be friends.

You can guess where this is going, I bet.  Marty had a congenital heart defect which killed his mother at an early age.  He was monitored by a doctor, but he didn't seem to take it very seriously.  He was a vegetarian and worked out regularly, but I think that was more for vanity than for good health.  On October 9, 1997, Marty went to work out on the treadmill at a local health club.  His heart stopped, and he died.

I remember vividly the details of that night, the next day, the visitation, the funeral.  I recall going into work the next morning wearing my sweatshirt and leggings, hair not brushed, feeling like I was run over by a truck.  We had a meeting that morning to debrief, and I recall feeling numb.  Not crying, not knowing what to do/how to feel.  The feeling I recall the strongest was that I just wanted to call up Marty and say, "this is so weird," and then process it for hours with him.

I knew, the moment I heard the news, that my life would be forever different.

The anniversaries of his death have been how you would expect.  Very painful, deeply difficult in the beginning.  But now?  It's more of a dull ache.  I still think about him a lot - in fact, when I returned to the workplace (not for the same agency, but a cousin agency and in the same field), I had many dreams where he visited me.  I will hear a song on the radio, and I think of him.  I still have a hard time listening to Bob Dylan (his all time favorite artist), and Bruce Springstein and Van Morrison stop me in my tracks, give me pause to think of him.

Since then, I have experienced many more deaths.  Another one in our cozy group died from brain cancer (his anniversary is also in early October).  My grandparents have all died.  My husband's beloved aunt who also was our children's grandmother passed away a couple of years ago.  Friends' husbands and neighbors and other co-workers are gone, as well as parents/siblings/grandparents of friends.  Heck, even Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson's deaths have been hard to wrap my head around.

Death is hard; doesn't get any easier the more you do it.  When I think about the potential losses I have to face (my parents, my husband, my brothers, my children God forbid) I get paralyzed, can't go there, need to move on.  Also, as I approach another revolution around the sun, I have also been thinking about MY death a bit more lately.  And then I distract myself.  I can't go there, not yet, not now.

So, to end and for the sake of distraction, here's a current favorite photo of my football warrior, Two.  I posted this on facebook already, but I just love this so.  It captures his determination and drive.  Despite the teams losing record (currently they are 0 -5), he is having a hell of a season and is so much fun to watch on the field.

feeling sorry for myself

I'm cranky.  I can't figure out how to use Photobucket (one of Two's teammates' mom's put a bunch of great photos of the team in action in photobucket and invited us to view/use them, and I can't figure it out).  Also?  Bob and I are bickering.  Also?  I still feel like shit.  Also?  I am overwhelmed with life.  Working 32 hours/week and having a husband who works probably double that and having 3 active children is a pace I am not used to.  I sort of feel like everything is falling apart around me, yet I can't lift my head to even acknowledge it.  Just gotta keep on trudging along and hope for the best.  

I am definitely in a day-by-day existence lately.  Not much planning for the future.  I have a friend who very sweetly wants to take me out for my upcoming birthday, and I can't even really entertain that right now.  I think, "yeah, yeah, let's talk again in November when maybe I will finally be feeling better and may have a chance to literally and figuratively catch my breath again."  

I am getting ready to have book club here.  Yes, I know.  Stupid of me to host book club on a night when I am feeling everything I listed in paragraph one, particularly pneumonia (which I have never had before.  Have you?  it SUCKS.).  I planned an easy menu (chili with already prepared chili sauce that I canned last year, salad, no-kneed bread, desert from Trader Joe's) and there are only 3-4 people coming, so I just want to host and get it over with.  Bob is annoyed at me for not canceling.  I understand what he says, but then again, I don't. I am realizing I don't know how to be sick.  

In this entire 3 week saga (today starts week #4) of having to drag myself through every day, I have taken one 6 hour day off.  I have cancelled my own personal plans for every Friday night that I've been sick, but other than that, I haven't really slowed down much.  Silly as it sounds, i don't know how to. Does anyone?  And I wonder what I'm teaching the kids about self-care.

I sort of just want to cry.  

Here's to hoping the antibiotic will work.  Here's to hoping my fearless "I don't need to slow down to beat this thing" attitude is right.  Here's to, finger's crossed, hoping my family and marriage gets healthier as I do.  

The Update

Still recovering from The Flu.  As in, influenza.  As in, yuck.  The doctor last week predicted it would last 7 days.  I'm on day 7 (or is it 8?) and, although I am getting better, I am not 100%.  Maybe 60%.  "I'm so sick of feeling sick," I keep muttering to myself.  And now I'm sick of talking/writing/thinking about being sick.

So, enough of that.

On Friday, my yard swelled to accomodate 3 more boys, for a grand total of 10.  It felt like so many more, as these 3 final were some high school neighborhood boys who joined in on the football game on their walk home from the bus stop.  What a thrill, to play with the high school boys!  As I watched them play together, I couldn't help but recall how I knew these kids when they were in kindergarten, first grade...  And now they are nearly driving age.  It all goes by so fast.

I do love my neighborhood so.  We are rich with boys.

Speaking of boys and football, Bob took the oldest two to the high school game on Friday night.  It was "Regent Night", which meant that all of the younger "Regent" kids, which Two is (and One used to be) attend the game with their jersey, go on the field for half time, and get a free hotdog afterwards.  I was holding court at home with Three (see first paragraph), and we had a very sweet little night filled with baths and hot showers and reading books and early bedtime.  Anyhow, the report from the gridiron was that it was fun.  And cold.  Bob rarely saw the kids, as they got absorbed into the crowd once they entered the stadium.

You may think that may be the end of my football stories for this post, but oh no.  Not even close.  We are in football mode nearly round-the-clock around here.  Two and his team played their 3rd game of the season.  They are (drumroll please) oh for three so far this season.  But who cares!  They are the little team that could - or, at least, one day they will be.  They are making great strides with each game.  The coach is awesome and positive and encouraging, and he is very pleased with their progress.

Every team they have played has had double the number of players on it, which makes a huge difference.  Most of the kids, mine included, play in every single play of the game, while these other teams can substitute out completely different groups for offense/defense.  Our boys, mine included, are pretty wiped out at the end of each game.  Doesn't help that Two gets so nervous before the game that he doesn't want to eat.

Here are some random pictures:

Two turned 9 in August.  He had a sweet little party with 5 other boys.  We went to the Goodman Pool.  They played football and capture the flag and kick the can.  We ordered our last cake from Lane's Bakery.  And then they slept over (and actually slept!).

Picnic Point - end of August

Visit to the State Capital - end of August

OK, Football - as promised  Here is my Two, injured.  This has happened to him at least in every game.  I think it is partly nerves (he is the main ball carrier, so he has a lot of his shoulders) and partly being exhausted (he is the main ball carrier, so he runs a lot).  Usually, he is down because he got tackled hard and got the wind knocked out of him.  He always gets up and gets back into the game after sitting out for a rotation.

Here he is, tackled after a looooooong run last week.

Number 20, in on the tackle.  

Another run!

I don't want to be that parent but it is really cool, I will admit, hearing other random spectators calling out my son's name, cheering him on during (another) long run.

Not Two, but his BFF, who is the other main ball carrier, getting his first TD.

He had a really good game that week.

There's the team.  

Great bunch of kids.

He's not afraid to push through the defense to get extra yards.

 Yes, I still do have two other boys.  One is saving himself for after school opportunities (that appear to be aplenty in middle school), as well as basketball (try-outs are next month).  Three is playing soccer again, which is super cute and fun in a very this-is-not-tackle-football way.

I am facing a big week.  I have a 2 day training for my extra job, which I am looking forward to, but it means that I will be working longer to get my regular hours in on my regular job.  Working 40 hours this week.  I am thankful that this is the exception, not the norm.

musings from my sick bed

I have been sick all week.  Started on Sunday with a sore throat and quickly progressed to a fever, cough, and body aches.  I didn't do the wise thing and take care of myself.  Instead, I opted to work (12 hours on Monday, 8 on Tuesday, and 6 on Wednesday).  In addition, I had other commitments, namely 3 well child checks (for my 3 healthy boys) as well as a back-to-school night at the Middle School which I was NOT going to miss.  And I didn't.  By Wednesday night, I collapsed in my bed, clutching my bottle Nyquil, and I've been mainly horizontal since.

Some thoughts:

1.  The 2 am "booster dose" of Nyquil makes waking up at 5:45 am very, very hard.

2.  My boys can be incredibly sweet.

3.  Middle school is awesome!  Teachers are great and committed and interesting.  The school has a no tolerance bullying policy which makes it (so far) as safe community.

4.  There can be too much viewing of Real Housewives.  I think I may have done permanent brain damage.

5.  My house has definitely become the house to hang out.  After school today, 4 extra children have migrated over here, which brings the grand total to 7 boys.  This makes me so happy.

I'm exhausted.  Back to horizontal.

What I did on my summer vacation

Hi,

I had the last full week of August off from work, and I had the best damn time being at home with my kids.  Reminded me about those good old days of being a stay at home mom.  Lazy mornings.  Open schedules.  Having the time to read the daily paper.  Sitting in a hot house and not wanting to turn on the a/c.  Noticing how much my children bicker with each other.  Continually picking up after them.  Making breakfast, then snack, then lunch, then snack, then hearing "I'm hungry, what's for dinner?" and then having them not eat it because "it's too hot/cold/healthy/colorful".  Hearing the sound of the tv for way more time than it should be on.  Oh, wait a minute.  I guess there are some benefits to working outside of the home.  

One thing I did do that week was take some pictures.  I have been a very negligent photographer this summer.  

We went to Babcock Hall to get ice cream.  My kids loved that name and chortled about it all afternoon.  

We then went to Picnic Point with our friends.  Kids climbed trees and played in the sand while one of my dearest mama friends and I chatted. 

 Love.  

I decided to attempt for a Christmas card photo.  What do you think?

Oh, this renegade photo is from Two's ninth birthday.  More on that in another post.  

On another day, we took a field trip to Ian's pizza for lunch and the state capital for a mini civics lesson.   We sang with the solidarity singers and risked arrest.  Afterwards, we assembled...

... and enjoyed the beautiful view.

We took two trips to Devil's Lake.  This last week of school is filled with all sorts of school obligations, such as registering children and paying gobs of fees and picking out band instruments and meeting teachers for "Ready Set Goal!" conferences and the like.  Our first trip was super short - sandwiched between some of this school stuff.  Our second trip was simply lovely.  Three did one of his favorite things and built a stone sculpture.

Decorated with an army guy he found on the beach.  

Double love.

I had decided to take the children on a mystery field trip.  It was a mystery only to the children, and simply because I didn't want to hear them complain about how awwfulllll and borrrrrrringgggggg it would be before heading there.  The only hints I gave them was that we were heading to a state we hadn't visited before, we were not staying overnight, and (best of all) it was free.

Any guesses?

Here's a hint...

Here's another one...

We drove to Dyersville, IL and went to Field of Dreams!  So fun!  So peaceful!

Except for this sick boy.  Did I mention that One was sick all week?  I had more ideas planned for the week, but we scrapped some of them.  He rallied for the mystery field trip, but ended up on the outfield in the prone position for a while.

 Another potential christmas card photo?

This one is better.

There's not much to do there, and that is certainly part of the charm.  We brought our bat, a rubber red ball that, turns out, was Dash the Dog's ball and, turns out, SQUEAKED every time we hit it (ha! dork alert!), and gloves, and we played a couple of innings in the outfield with our shoes as bases (dork alert number 2!) (other, more organized and serious groups were using the actual field).  It was really fun, and I was reminded at how much the kids enjoy the simple pleasures of their parents playing with them.  

Kids ran through the cornfields. 

And then we just laid in the grass, enjoying the peaceful vibe.  The grass was luscious.  It was simple and perfect.  Simply perfect.

On the drive home, we stopped in downtown Dubuque, Iowa along the Mississippi river.  We walked along the Riverwalk and sat and watched the river.  

There were many trains traveling on the Wisconsin side of the river.  There were wedding parties taking pictures.  Beautiful, potted flowers.  Big rocks to climb up and down.  There was a steep hill on the walk back to the parking lot, which the kids rolled down over and over.  Something came over me, and I rolled down the hill once too.  The kids laughed. I almost threw up, but it was worth it.  

Love.

We got home by sunset and watched Field of Dreams, which I had rented from the library.  It was the perfect end to a lovely day.  

We also said goodbye to the Goodman Pool for the season (so sad!) and went to Mt Olympus water park for an afternoon (so overwhelming!).  No pictures of that.  And no need to return any time soon.

We are week #2 into the school year, and re-entry has been relatively smooth.  Middle school is so far, so good.  Fingers crossed.  4th grade is great, but we knew that.  1st grade is going well too.  We seem to have once again hit the lottery with teachers, for which I am thankful.  

I will sign off.  It's my (new) typical Monday schedule, and I worked 12 hours today.  Will work 8 tomorrow.  Off to bed to recharge for morning.

summer summary

Waaaay too much to update here.  I'm overwhelmed at the task at hand.  Maybe I should summarize my summer, so far.

1.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, I bike to the neighborhood pool and swim laps from 6 - 6:30 am with a friend/neighbor.  On Wednesdays, we walk for 50 minutes of so during that six o'clock hour - because it's hard to talk and swim laps at the same time, so we have to catch up on our news together on Wednesdays.  This whole exercise with a friend concept?  It works!

2.  I have loved watching many sunrises while swimming my laps, and I have noticed my endurance really increase as the weeks have ticked away.  The last couple of weeks, I've included some olympics daydreaming during my swimming.  I pretend I'm training for Rio 2016.  hahahahaha.

3.  We had a week of vacation up in Door County (Fish Creek, WI) at our regular spot in mid July.  I made sure to charge my camera and clean up the memory card, and then I promptly forgot the camera at home next to the computer.   Doh!  I have asked for the photos from my parents but have yet to grab them.  Anyhow, if you had talked to me a week or two prior to this trip, you would have heard me complaining about the week.  Bob was not going (needed to stay home and work), nor were my younger brother/sister-in-law.  I was anticipating missing my buddies and being very lonely indeed (amidst my parents, other extended family members, and my 3 children).  Turns out the week was actually pretty fun.  We stopped by this awesomely cheap amusement park on the way up.  Kids played a bunch of euchre (our family's card game).  They made multiple trips to the Candy Store (which caused me to sing 50 Cent Candy Shop over and over and over).  We had a fun rainy day.  We went to the beach, to PC Junction, Cave Point County Park - all the favorites.  The week ended with me getting a nasty cold and driving home feeling lousy, but even that went ok.  I asked a lot of my boys since I was solo parenting, and they rose to the challenge.

4.  I have added 8 hours to my work week, so now I'm working 32 hours/week.  I work 12 hours on Mondays, but it all pays off by Thursdays at 2 pm, where I'm off until Monday morning.  My extra hours are doing new type of work - still social work, still at the same agency, just a different focus - and I really, really enjoy it.  I feel blessed to do something that I love, that I am trained in, and that is fulfilling to me.  And I dig the people I work with, so that's a nice bonus.  What's not so nice is being gone from my boys, but we are all handling it fairly well.  Our nanny this year is my cousin's adult son, and he's great.  He keeps the kids active, and they enjoy their time with him.

5.  We had too short of a visit in late June with my aforementioned brother/sister-in-law who are now on the move to Tunisia.  My brother got a position with the Peace Corps there, and although I am thrilled for him to have scored such a perfect job for him, I am sad that he is even further away than ever now.  I will visit him - I will! - so now my focus is on saving pennies here and there so that as many of us who want to make the trek can go there.  My brother is back to updating his blog, so read about his adventures there.

6.  Bob and I made the executive decision to not allow One to play tackle football, given the fact that the (self induced) pressure of that situation put him into a bit of an emotional tailspin the past 2 years.  We just took the option away from him.  "We are not paying for it," we said.  He seems relieved to be off the hook, as are we.  It's a much more peaceful August than in years' past.  Two, on the other hand, has just started playing - he of the different temperament than his older brother.  "Are you nervous?" I asked him on the drive to his first practice last week.  He looked at me quizzically, like, "should I be nervous?" and said, "nah."  What a joy to drive a kid to football practice who isn't tantrumming in the car.  What a joy and a relief.

7.  I love learning little things like that about my kids and how to better parent them.  I feel sad that I seem to learn most of those lessons on One's dime.  Those first borns really do have to forge their way, and mine, in the world.  I have a whole new respect for the uptight, anxious, type A firstborns out there.

8.  I read a great book (Gone Girl) and just downloaded another one to my kindle app on my ipad.  I feel so high tech.  Now I just hope I don't forget to read it.

9.  I said goodbye to a very dear friend's very dear mother who passed away last month.  I visited her in the hospital a few weeks before she passed, and I am so glad I got a chance to see her one last time.  The world seemed like a better, safer place with her in it.  Even though I didn't see her very often, I felt comforted knowing that she was out there, doing her thing, being her self, in the world.  I miss her a lot, and my heart hurts for my friend and her loss.

And on that note, I think I'm done.  More to add, but not tonight.  

heat wave

Recent weather Madison

Reflections during this recent heat wave...

1.  I've never wanted to live in Arizona, or the Sahara Desert, or Texas (no offense to any of those fine locales), and this weather confirms it.

2.  Biking in 103 degree weather isn't as bad as one would think.  Until one wants to sit on one's bike seat, which has been outside, collecting heat all day long.  It was a slow burning sensation on the most private of my areas, and I finished my (thankfully short) bike commute home biking while standing.

3.  Posting about my burnt lady parts on facebook wasn't too embarrassing.

4.  Little, and big, people get increasingly more irritable as the mercury rises.

5.  Even the Goodman Pool cannot make those irritations go away.  My kids were complaining about the pool yesterday like I was forcing them to go on a death march.  After an hour or so of too many bodies, too bright sunshine, too loud voices, too many unwanted splashes of water in my face, I called "uncle" and allowed us all to retreat or our own corners in our house.  Best decision of my life.

6.  The repeated warnings to check on the elderly has served as a reminder that I have no more elderly loved ones to check on.  And that makes me very, very sad.

7.  Going to a Milwaukee Brewers game in 101 degree heat isn't the smartest of ideas, even if you can bring in your own food/non-alcoholic drinks (you can!), even if you move to nicer seats in the shade (you can do that too!).  It was blasted hot.  We stayed to the end (extra innings, even), and the car ride home was extra stinky.

8.  Wet, sweaty denim is disgusting (see #7)

9.  Little boys' feelings can get hurt by a snappy mom.  Feelings are best soothed by tender love, talking about the day they were born, and looking at old photo albums.

10.  It's never too hot for home baked chocolate chip cookies.

Summer

Scorching heat 

Tan lines

Goodman pool

No Mosquitos! 

Brewers baseball games

Bike rides

Lap swimming

Staying up too late

Visits from out of town

Moving too fast

Overdue pedicure

Beer

Listening to Paul Simon

Sunshine

And no rain in sight.

spring sports

So, it's springtime, which means we have fun Saturday morning activities again.  We have a soccer player and 2 flag football players.  I've gotten some good video, and I threw together this little movie of our soccer star.  Please ignore his dirty shirt.  No matter what I've tried, I cannot get it clean again.  I'd love to meet the person who thought white would be a good color for a kindergartner's jersey.

Football videos to come...

Quick post especially for my fav sis-in-law A

I looked at two's dirty hands the other night and asked him, "what would aunt A say about your hands?"
"She would say 'disgusting!'" he replied.  It still took 2 hours before he washed them.

spring break 2012

Last day of spring break chez mooncrawl.  We've had a good one - low key, familiar.  I'm starting to itch for a bigger adventure for us.  Maybe next year.  I want my children to swim in the ocean or see mountains or do something not so midwest.

Alas, we were very midwest, Wisconsin specifically, this spring break.  We did our annual two night trip to a water park in the Dells (the Wisconsin Dells).  We'e done this for the past 6 years with a group of families from our neighborhood.  We've evolved into a very sweet little group.  My guys are the only boys in the group, which tickles me.  Our time together always starts off a little awkward (the girls are quite chummy and my boys have to figure their way in - which gets more awkward the older they all get), but after not-so-long, they were playing tag in the hallway and laughing about all sorts of nonsense.  My oldest boy seems the most awkward in these situations, which is in part due to his age and in part due to his social insecurities (increased because of his age, I believe), but even he figured it out.

We adults share meals, so I only had to contribute to one meal for the entire trip.  We ate well and always have enough.  It is an easy vacation, and one that leaves us happy.

We were gone at the beginning of the week, so I squeezed a couple of days of work in.  On Friday, I was feeling the urge to get out of dodge again, so the boys and I headed off to an adventure.  We went to the House on the Rock in Spring Green, WI.  This attraction is often listed as a "don't miss" on many Wisconsin tourism websites.  I recall vaguely going there as a child, but had never taken my kids.  It was pricey ($75 for 4 of us) but I felt like we got our money's worth out of the experience.  We haven't stopped talking or thinking about it since.

It was wild.  Wild and wacky and weird, and a bit creepy and curious too.  The house itself was built by a man named Alex Jordan, who so loved this rock outcropping where he picnicked as a child that he wanted to build a retreat so that he could enjoy art and music there.  He was a bit of a madman, I'm concluding.  The house itself (only a small piece of the experience, it turns out) was cozy and unique, and we enjoyed it so much we walked through it twice.  We fantasized about sleeping on the low couches in front of the several huge, stone fireplaces scattered throughout the house.

We left the house the continue on to Tours 2 and 3, and this is when it started getting strange.  We ended up in these warehouse buildings full of collections of stuff -- guns, old fashioned cash registers, dolls, lighters, miniature ships, circus figures, doll houses, crowns and jewels from England, more guns, more dolls, manequins, decorative christmas plates, etc.  And music - Alex Jordan loved his musical instruments and had dozens of instruments "playing" (mostly simulated) orchestra or circus music.

Alex Jordan's collections were neverending, it seemed.  Wide varied and extensive.  His crowning achievement was building the world's largest (so claimed) indoor carousel.  It was functioning but we could not ride it.  It was huge and chocked full of all sorts of animals; however, none were horses (the horses, it turns out, were displayed on a huge wall in another part of the building).

We were tired by the end.  Tired and thirsty.  I strongly recommend carrying in some water, as there were no water fountains at all throughout the journey and only one cafe selling food/drink.  I asked the woman at the gift shop at the end how far we had walked, and she said we went 3 1/2 miles.  It took us a good 4 hours.  I felt like we had really accomplished something by getting through it.

I was talking about this at Easter yesterday, and my dad told me about a great family connection.  Turns out my grandparents (my dad's parents) were friends with Alex Jordan.  Alex gave them a key to the house, as well as the information about how to climb in through a trapdoor (no longer needed - but necessary in the early days).  So, my grandparents used to trek out there to hang out at the house when they wanted to get out of town.

Even before I heard this story, I was intrigued with Alex Jordan.  I am more so now, with this personal family connection.  I ordered a biography about him online, and I am anxious to read it.

***********

Last day of our spring break, and we are quickly coming apart here.  Kids are anxious to go out and spend their easter money, but they are squabbling and fighting and sort of ruining it for them.  I do need to go grocery shopping, and they will have to join me - joy oh joy.  I also have to remember that I work this afternoon at 4 pm.

Alright, the clamor is increasing and these children need a mother to attend to them.  I guess that's me.

St Patrick's day and Easter

Several weeks ago, Bob and I had our first weekend away with no children since having children more than 11 years ago.  For the past few years, I've been trading one night/year watching my dear friend T's children (she has three also).  I took a night in the winter, and she took one in the summer.  T and I each celebrated our 20th wedding anniversaries last year (and we were in each other's wedding), and we recalled our lofty plans for this event.  T was going to be on an Alaskan cruise.  I was going to be in Hawaii.  Kids and life got in the way (and thank goodness for that, right?  RIGHT?!), so I suggested instead we do the next best thing and take each other's kids for the whole weekend.  So, on St. Patrick's day weekend, Bob and I had 48 blissful child free hours to ourselves.

Our plan was to head to Chicago shortly after taking the children to school; however, a runaway doggie ("Doh!" said in my best Homer voice) delayed us briefly.  After we ran through the neighborhood and captured him, we set off.  It was a very leisurely weekend, loosely planned, and perfect.  We had a hotel in the heart of the action - on the Chicago River, with Navy Pier in view.  We initially planned on parking on the outskirts of Chicago and using mass transportation to get around the city, but we decided to just keep our car with us.  So glad we did!  Turns out we drove a lot, and it was so nice to have the convenience of our car.

We went to a couple of architectural salvage places.  We stopped by some interesting shops.  We did the walking tour of Frank Lloyd Wright's designed houses in Oak Park (something I've been wanting to do for years).  We went to Ikea.  We ordered room service.  We slept in.  We got a diet coke at McDonalds whenever we wanted to.  We talked without interruption.  We sat quietly without interruption.  We ate at non-child friendly places (and ordered exactly what we wanted).  We did another tour (this one by car, to save time) of the Gold Coast area of downtown Chicago.

Although I had gotten some guide books from the library, the couple that I grabbed to bring along didn't have decent driving maps of Chicago.  I couldn't find our Chicago map in our glove box either.  We just managed our way around by using a subway map, a bit of instinct (tracking planes in the sky, looking to see which way the sun was setting, remembering names of streets from when I used to listen to Chicago radio WGN's traffic reports), and a lot of luck.  And, at one point, I pulled out the US map, though that didn't do much but make us laugh at the absurdity of our situation.  Bob trusted my inner Magellen, my inner Lewis and Clark, and we did great.

We decided to drive through town, instead of taking the tollway, from Ikea back to our hotel room.  This drive took us probably a couple of hours, but it was fascinating.  We drove through some ethnic neighborhoods - so much to look at!  We drove past Wrigley Field.  We saw tons and tons of very drunk young adults (turns out St. Patrick's day in Chicago is kind of a big thing).

Throughout the weekend, I said several times, "so this is what 'living in Chicago' looks like."  I've never been able to picture what the neighborhoods looked like for normal people who lived in Chicago - not the high rise condos on the lake or the planned developments in the suburbs.  Reminded me a lot of the residential neighborhoods in Milwaukee.

The only bad part of the weekend was when we received a phone call on Friday night from my dear friend T who reported that One hurt his arm while walking in the woods.  "I don't think it's broken," T said.  I had to stop myself from packing up and heading home right then.  I told myself (and Bob reminded me) that the kids were in excellent hands.  I checked with One via text here and there throughout the weekend, and he reported it hurt, but was ok.  When we returned to Madison to pick up the kids, I could tell his arm didn't look good.  It was still swollen and he was protectively holding it and not using it.  One and I went to urgent care, and sure enough, it was broken.  First broken bone in the family, and it happened when I wasn't here.  Do I still feel some guilt?  Yes indeed, but I think I'm the only one who's bothered by it.

****

Tomorrow is Easter, and we are going to my parents' house, as we do every Easter.  We will celebrate with my cousins, uncle, and my brother and his family, as we do every Easter.  It will be a pleasant day, and I look forward to spending some time with my family.  We will miss those who aren't with us - because of death or long-distance.  I treasure our tradition.  My mom asked me to bring a "hot vegetable dish" and I struggled to come up with something that didn't include soup.  I plan to make a black bean tart, and I suppose I should get going on it now.

Happy Easter to you all!

Three on a bike

So exhausted on this long day.  The spring time change is kicking my butt, and I am only recalling now that I remember having similar problems in years' past.  Not complaining though, because having daylight until after well after 7 pm is just delicious.

I have dug deep and found enough in reserves to put my bitterness I felt towards my supervisor aside.  Good thing, too, as many of my colleagues are feeling what I felt last week, and it helps to not have all of us wanting to slap her silly.  I hold onto slight hope that she will grow into a decent supervisor, but these growing pains are not fun for any of us.

I never did have that beer at 4:14 pm.  I forget what happened.  Life, I suppose.  Oh well...

I need to move onto a happy subject.  My baby, sweet Three who turns 6 already next week (already he's six?  how did that happen??) decided he wanted to ride his bike without training wheels.  I tried to teach him last summer for about 7 seconds, but he got angry and didn't want to do it.  "Fine," I said.  "You have your whole life to learn how to ride a bike."

In the fall of last year, I arranged a trade with a neighbor for a tagalong (we had one that was too big and she had one that was too small - love when these problems are so easily solved).  Three and I rode all over together on the tagalong, and he loved it.  "Woo Hoo!" he would shout, as we zipped around the streets of Madison.  "Go faster, mom!  Faster!!"

So, on Sunday Bob pulled down Three's bike, sans training wheels, from storage.  I was lazily lounging in bed, and I heard Bob say, "Three!  Look at you go!  How did you learn how to ride a bike??"  I popped up out of bed and looked out the window, and sure enough.  He was wobbling down the sidewalk all alone on his bike.  "Mom taught me," he shouted back.

Not true.  Other than riding (faster!) on the tagalong and that ill-fated 7 second lesson, I had nothing to do with this.  Three worked all day on Sunday.  Wobbling, a little less the more he rode.  A little more confident with each lap around the block.  He used the brakes more than his shoes.  He figured out how to start and turn.  And now, he is completely independent and loving it.  And, yes indeed, going faster!

So, for the last two days, he has ridden his bike to school.  He asked me to write his combination to his lock on a sheet of paper, which he carefully folded and put in his pocket.  When I picked him up from school yesterday, he carefully unfolded his sheet, and said, "let's crack the code!"  He thoughtfulness and care broke my heart a little.

My baby is growing up.

March 7

Well hey there stranger,

Yup, I've been absent from this here blog lately.  We are in the throws of some major changes at work, and it is making me exhausted and a bit cranky at the end of the day.  And, no one wants to read a cranky blog.  I had a very bad meeting last week (felt terribly insulted by my new supervisor) and I am digging deep to find the will to move past it.  But it is hard.  I had a one-on-one meeting with her today, and I spent most of my time chewing her out in my head.  I'm feeling very tight around her, and I don't like it.  I need to move on.  Digging deep.  Digging still.

Moving on...  I am implementing a brand new parenting strategy around here.  Boy One and Two have been bickering all afternoon (the entire 1 hour that they have been home).  What's new.  So, I am making them take the dog for a walk around the block every time they complain about each other.  "Uh oh, looks like you need more time to figure out how to be good brothers together.  Why don't you take another walk!" I cheerily suggest.  After only 2 walks, the tide turned and they went across the street the play basketball at our neighbor's hoop.

I'm going in interrupt myself here.  I just love the fact that my neighbors', whose children are all adults now, have kept up their basketball hoop and have invited my children to play there.  My kids frequently are over there playing, and they bring their friends over also.  I need to bake some cookies soon and bring them over as a thank you.  Such sweet neighbors I have.

Back to the children.  Well, that didn't last.  They just came in and added to their litany.  I suggested another walk or a joint effort of cleaning a room together.  They came up with the idea of heading down to the school to play basketball there with a neighborhood friend.  I told them I'd swing by in about 30 minutes on my way to get their youngest brother (who is thataways on an after school playdate) and One said, "No!  We need longer to bond!"  Yes, I get it that I'm being suckered, but if it gets them out of the house for a while, I'll take it.

I have more to add - so much more - but not now.  I am considering cracking open a beer and enjoying the silence of my house.  Is 4:14 pm too early to drink alone?

Back soon (I hope).

mishmash

One and Two are diligently working on their valentines.  This year, for the first year ever, I bought valentines for them to distribute - heart-shaped suckers to be exact.  Every previous year, we have made some heart-shaped card for every student - through blood, sweat and tears.  I took this year off, and I am enjoying the ease of this pre-made valentine business.

Green Girl has inspired me to have long deliberations and discussions around here about the monitoring, or lack thereof, of texting.  See, One (and Two, actually, but it is certainly more of an issue with the 5th grade set) has a free texting app on his iPod touch, and he has dived headfirst into the world of texting.  As is the name of the game with the first-born child, we are unprepared for this new experience.  We are left a bit in the dust, scratching our heads, trying to figure out the best way to parent.

Bob is steadfast in his belief that we need to allow our children freedom and independence.  Sometimes they will fall, but we need to trust that they know their limits and will turn to else when they need help.  I am a bit more leery of that freedom.  May come from being a social worker, or from talking with other parents, but I have been struggling with the desire to be more controlling, more involved, more watchful.

Tonight, on the drive home from One's indoor flag football game (which he LOVES, which is radically different than how he felt about tackle, which is just so damn great to see), I decided to trust Bob's instincts and One's judgments.  That is, until he gives me a reason not to.  I explained that to him tonight.  "Here's the deal," I said.  "I will not check your texts until you give me a reason to.  Once I have an inkling that you are being unsafe or inappropriate, I will demand you give me your passcode and I will read them."  He asked how I would get that inkling, and I explained that most other parents are checking their children's texts, and therefore what he is writing.  He played it cool, but I could tell he didn't like that.  He grumbled, "I can't wait until I'm an adult."

*****************

On Saturday, I went to an acquaintance's birthday party.  She turned 40 and threw herself a bash at a local hotel.  She and I aren't too close, but she is friends with a bunch of my good friends, and they were going, so I decided to go also.  I should add that I got invited too.  I noticed that she stumbled on my name when introducing me to others' at the party (hee hee).

Anyway, I was leery of the party and shared my leeriness with Stephanie, whom I ran into at Trader Joe's on my way over there.  Birthday Girl had a block of rooms saved for us to rent at $39.  I don't know, that sounded like trouble to me.  $39 for a hotel room?  My friends decided to rent the room so they wouldn't have to drive after a night of drinking.  Smart of them, but I kept my options open.  In the end, I ended up driving home.  I was glad to crawl into my bed.

But, back to the party.  Birthday Girl was born when her mom was 17 years old.  B'day Girl's mom has had a hard life - at least, she looks like she has.  She said to us, about 3 minutes after meeting us, "I got pregnant after having sex outside with my boyfriend.  Abortions weren't legal yet, so here she is!"  We laughed uncomfortably.  It was obvious that Birthday Girl has heard this story many times.

We had a great time.  We didn't really mingle much with the other party goers.  We ate some, drank more, and laughed ourselves silly.

February 2

Hey!  I'm actually sitting at a computer at my house.  Unusual.  I sit at a computer at work, but never, it seems, at home.  I received the best gift in the world for my birthday last fall (an iPad) and that is how I typically surf the web at home.  So handy and convenient, but not so great to type on.  This is my official excuse for never updating this blog anymore.

Anyhow, I am downstairs on the old clunker of a computer that is still chug-chug-chugging along.  I'm supposed to be working on refinancing my mortgage - dudes, rates are dirt cheap right now.  But somehow I wandered over to this dusty corner of the interwebs...

So, how's life with you? 

Things are good by me.  My little unit at work moved from my cozy, lovely workspace to the large, main office a few weeks ago.  I was fretting a bit about the move, and after the move I wasn't too happy, but now that we're settled in, it's ok.  I do miss my old co-workers and the convenience of the old office (i.e. parking), but it's fine.  I walk to work (actually, a hybrid drive/walk in order to get 3 to school on time) and I've really grown to enjoy the walk.  It's approximately a 19 minute walk each way.  Lovely to incorporate some fresh air and light cardio into my day.  I saw a bald eagle on the first walk.  One particulary c-o-o-l-d day (our only one, so far this mild winter) I took the bus, which felt very urban.  I can drive, and did the other day when my stomach wasn't agreeing with me.  I was able to find a rare 8 hour spot on the street so I didn't have to do the move-my-car-every-2-hours dance that my co-workers do every single day.  What a drag.

See what excitement you've been missing out of?  Yes, I haven't been here in a month, and I spend a paragraph talking about parking, of all things.  I'm rusty, and I'm sorry.

In other news, the kids all seem to be doing fine.  One has developed a nice group of friends, and he allows them at our house.  This is a new development.  Since 2nd grade, really, he has refused to have friends come to our house.  Teachers all have said he's social, sometimes a bit too social, but we had no idea who these children he was social with.  Something has shifted* for him this year, and he has had friends over again, including a sleepover party last weekend.  I am so happy to get to know these friends.  They seem to be sweet bunch, though a bit smelly.  I ran downstairs for something during the sleepover and whew.  Smelled like teen spirit.  It smelled like sweat and feet and it was not good.  Beware of the 11 year old boy.

Two is doing great.  He can give us a run for our money, that's for sure (recently typing a list of his favorite things that included "swaring"), but generally, he's easy to please, can go with the flow, happy go lucky.  We went ice skating a couple of times last week when we still had ice, and Two took quite the tumble.  I was busy chatting with another mom and didn't see the fall, but he showed me his red face.  And then the next day I noticed his eyebrow area was all puffed up.  It's transitioned many shades of blue and now green, and it's finally fading.  I took some pictures of it, but they didn't look as horrific as it does in person.

Three is a bit emotional this week.  His instrument is wide open.  He seems to have a shorter tolerance for frustration, which I am chalking up to his sinus/coldn thing that he's battling and lack of sleep.

Oh!  That reminds me what I really wanted to chat about here.  Still with me?

So, One moves onto middle school next year.  Where we live, he has the option to apply to go to a Charter school, which has some distinct advantages (nearby our house, later start time, smaller class size) but is a much smaller school and one which very few, if any, of his friends will attend.  He's been debating this decision, as have I.  Actually, I'm more than debating.  I've been fairly obsessed.  I am talking to people, weighing out (in my mind) the pros and cons, trying to make the perfect decision.  And then it hit me.  I've done this with everything for my poor One since he's been born.  The right kind of blanket to use for him.  Whether footed jammies were better than the ones where his little feet were free.  The right kind of yogurt to eat.  The right preschool to attend.  and on and on.  Big and little decisions were debated, over-analyzed. 

As I was doing the exact same thing with the middle school decision, I thought, "how would I feel if this were Two?  or Three?"  I realized, I would be thinking, "ahh, it will all work out.  They'll be fine at either school.  Advantages and disadvantages to both."  Poor kid, why don't I give One that same freedom, that same luxury of living life without all of the analysis?  No fricking wonder the kid has anxiety.  That realization made me feel both so sad and so relieved.  It will work out. 

So, I've stopped.  My suspicion is that he will end up going to the traditional middle school - the bigger, earlier start one, and that will be fine.  And if he goes to the closer, later start school, that will be fine too.  He will be fine either way.  Just like his brothers. 

Ever since I started working, I've been trying to live that motto.  "It will all work out."  Where Three would attend pre-school last year, who will watch the boys over the summer, how will I get all three boys and myself breakfasted and lunch-bagged and out the door on time every morning by 7:30?  It will all work out, I regularly tell myself under my breath, and it does.  So, I need to remind myself to incorporate that in my parenting.  It will all work out.

I will end on this zen, peaceful note.  I do have a mortgate to work on refinancing, after all.  I don't want to ruin the mood, but I will add a teaser for hopefully a later post.  I went to a 2 hour talk by a couple of police officers on the drug taskforce about the opiate epidemic around here, and it was fascinating.  Fascinating and scary.  I'll share more details later.  If you are a parent, you will want to know.


*Ever get a word that you just start using?  That you incorporate into daily conversation?  "Shift" is mine currently.  I use it often at work or at home, when talking about a situation changing.  I like it!  Feel free to use it yourself!

Jan 4

A short post to let you know I'm still around. The holidays were gone before we knew it but superfun while they lasted. We amped up our technology here a bit, so we are all a bit more "plugged in" than normal. Feeling equally bad and good about that.

Big changes happening for me on the work front which have made life interesting. I'm pleased to report I'm not stressing (much) about the changes and am trying to be amused and open to finding the good that is there. One bit of good? Somehow I've scored a great office with two windows. I'm geekily excited about my windows.

Bob has been off several days with the boys while I've been working and it sounds like they've had some great times together. I am so thankful that he is an involved parent who (usually) wants to be with his kids. I am home with them the last two days of their break (tomorrow and Friday) and we have plans to return to an indoor gym on one day and go swimming on the other. Looking forward to fun and playful times with them. Ice rinks *just* opened, but I fear they will close again soon with the 40 degree weather that is coming our way. Fear is too strong of a word. I'm quite happy with the warm and dry winter we've had so far.

So, in a nutshell, 2012 looks pretty good so far. 2011 was a bit of a roller coaster, but overall it was a year I am glad to behind us. I am looking forward with hope and optimism.