revelations while shopping

I had an unexpected experience yesterday.  Three is almost done with his six week stint in his speech phenology clinic (he cycles 6 weeks on/6 weeks off for 10 hours/week -- mornings), so I've been frantically trying to fit in all sorts of self-indulgent fun during this last week.  A couple of trips to the gym club to sweat like crazy, mixed in with some shopping here and there.  Yesterday, I decided to go to Target.  This could possibly be my first daytime shopping trip to Target without a child in tow.


And it hit me like a ton of bricks - my kids are not babies anymore.  You know the joke about Target being a stay-at-home mom's playground during the weekdays before naptime, right?  So there I was, casually shopping, no child in my shopping cart, no one begging for a toy, and I felt kind of lonely.  I wandered around and found myself in the halloween decorations, and I felt waaaaay lonelier.  I remembered so many trips years ago with One as a little guy, then One and Two as little guys, picking out halloween decorations or costumes.  I got so sad. 


I walked past the baby clothes, even fondly remembering my favorite onesies and booties and blankies from when they were babies.  I oohed and ahhed at the babies in the store.  My long overcome "pain" with never having a little girl even resurfaced, and, I must admit, I toyed around with "maybe we SHOULD have another baby" for a minute or two.  


We're not.  I'm too old, and my body cannot take growing and bearing another child (however cute they are).  Our house, while comfortable for us, cannot handle another child easily.  Quite frankly, our budget cannot handle another child easily.  I already feel like the oldest mother ever in my closest grouping of friends.  I closed the emotional door on having more children after Three was born, so I was surprised when this came out of a seemingly benign trip to Target at Halloween time.


I left there, feeling blue, and picked Three up from school.  He asked if we could go on our date (remember our date schedule?  Three's month was September and we kind of skipped our date time with him).  I thought, "sure, this may cheer me up."  (I'll edit this to add that I also considered how HE might like it too - I'm such a benevolent mom, yes indeed.)


We went to the food court at the mall (sophisticated food tastes), and my little Three was just a delight to be with.  He kept winking at me when I was in the food line.  He held my hand, gave me lots of spontaneous hugs and kisses, said, "you da best, mom" countless times.  He played at the indoor playground area (which he is technically too tall for - gulp, yet another reminder) and made quick friends with the other kids there.  He very agreeably went to the Coach Store and the Apple Store (who knew West Towne was so hip?) and proudly held my hand while we waved goodbye to his newfound play area buds.  


I returned home a happier mama, much more content with my position in life.  Yes, no more sweet little babies for me, but I have some pretty sweet big kids around here too.

my three and me in a tender moment