home alone

So, we're day 6 in single-parenting chez Mooncrawl, and I think we'll make it to the end. (which should be today) (it's so much easier to know you'll make it when you're almost there anyways, isn't it?) Bob is on his way back from his driving trip to AZ to visit his extremely ill aunt.

As I was musing to a friend on the phone this morning, I think this decade is the decade for me to work on not being so judgmental. I've always been in disagreement with parents who, shortly after divorce or death, pick up a new relationship. I thought, "you need time to heal. Your children need you. How selfish!" Now I sort of get it. I am a much happier person when I am one of a pair. Call me codependent, but I really like being able to chat about my day, or your day, or SOMETHING adult-like at the end of a day. It's a bit lonely, this one-parent-three-kids gig.

My brother is out of the country for nearly three weeks (right, Mark? such a LONG trip!), so I was commiserating with my sister-in-law about being home alone, with no man to protect you. I mean, I'm all "I am woman, hear my roar" until it's nighttime and the outside spooky noises get spookier, and "what was THAT?" So, I asked my dear SIL her tips about feeling safe at night. She said every night Mark is gone she sleeps with her phone, a knife and a hammer in bed with her. Since I often have at least one boy, if not all three, in bed with me, I decided not to go the hammer/knife route, and instead, I sleep with my keys on my bedside. My car key has a remote, panic button, and I take comfort in knowing that I can, in essence, create a big ruckus if I hear something creepy.

This makes me wonder -- do men ever feel this sort of nervousness? I once asked Bob if he ever feels like he's unsafe when he's alone, out in the world. He looked at me blankly, and said, "no ..." Same with my neighbor/friend John, who frequently runs through the Arboretum. "Do you ever feel unsafe when you're on a path alone, even in the middle of the day?" I asked him a couple of years ago. He laughed and of course not. He's a big guy who could probably defend himself quite well- so is Bob. Maybe that's a part of it.

So, I suppose this is an example of how men have privilege that they may not even realize. Reminds me of the book I'm reading about African-American maids working in white homes in Mississippi in the 60's. Talk about privileges that one group doesn't even realize they have! Makes me want to spend some time thinking about the privileges I have that I don't give second thought to. We're reading the book for book club, which I'm glad about. It'll be a good one to discuss.

Anyway, back to my week alone... Like Aisha said it is for her, it took me a couple of days to get into my groove. But finally, a couple of nights ago, I found that I was able to fall asleep easier, stay asleep longer. I thought, "not so bad, after all, we'll be ok" and then I awoke at about 2 am with a start to a woman's voice screaming, "get out of here!!!" After a moment, I heard a man's voice respond, "are you going to be ok?" I went over to the window to peek outside and didn't see a thing. We live near some apartments and a residential treatment facility for adults with alcohol/drug addiction, so I'm thinking the trouble was over thataway, and it appeared to be over quickly.

Last night, we celebrated the end of our week without Bob by watching a couple of episodes of Survivor All Stars from a DVD I rented from the library (yes, my children are hooked on this series, which kind of tickles me). The doorbell rang around 7 pm, and it was a neighbor/friend mom and her daughter, dropping off an invite for a b'day party. Right behind them, friends Bob and Alan came walking up with 1 1/2 dozen eggs from the chicken's we keep with them on the farm. My kids all piled outside to run around in the front yard. They were playing some chase game with a wagon and bikes and scooters and were so happy with each other. Three, ala Richard Hatch, was totally naked. We adults laughed and talked and enjoyed the beautiful evening. Ahhh, adult conversation!

Nearing the end of it, I'm pleased with how well we've fared this week. We have missed Bob, no doubt, but I suppose it's a good thing for my little codependent self to know that yes I can do this alone. It's sweet seeing the kids talk about all they have to share with Bob when he returns. I will just be happy to have his snoring body near me in bed, and I'll go back to leaving the keys down on the keyhook.