Thursday, August 8, 2013
Typical Monday
On Monday, I was a mad woman. Hosted 7 wayward pre-teens who were supposed to go tubing with neighbors but those plans fell apart when the tube broke. Forced them to participate in a "bake off", which, in the end, just meant they (I) made cupcakes and they decorated them with disgusting things like whipped cream and m&m's. Well, for the record, m&m's are not disgusting but also totally not necessary on a cupcake. In between all of this, I cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, and installed a window shade on our bathroom window. Not too shabby. I'm pleased. Also got Two's football gear and picked out paint colors for my windows (new plan! less clown-like! it's good!). And then I worked for 4 hours.
Monday, July 15, 2013
mystery family field trip #2
Hi there.
I'm just going to pretend that it hasn't been 5 months since my last post.
So, this past Saturday was ... interesting. Really, really stressful at times, but really, really good too. We took our second Mystery Family Field Trip. Faithful reader(s) may recall that we did this last year for the first time - heading to Field of Dreams in Iowa. That was a sweet day, and encouraged us to try it again. This time, the mystery destination was Lake Geneva, aka Bob's happy place.
We finally found a parking spot and trudged to the lake. I spotted a boat rental company, and, after a quick conference with Bob, wandered over there on some false mission (but really, to find out the prices/availability of speed boat rentals). I ended up reserving one (which, in itself ended up being a bit of a trial - I am realizing that one of the ways One's anxiety comes out is through what he perceives as foolish spending of money). Anyhow, our boat rental was a couple of hours away, so we went to the beach for a bit.
The beach was very crowded. Also, not free. Bob took the kids while I headed back to the car and to "run some errands" for the boat - namely, to find some ibuprofin to treat Two's sore throat, as well as some muscle ache stuff for One (what are these guys with all of these somatic complaints? retirees?) at the quirky little general supplies store in town. I also bought some snacks/drinks for the boat ride to add to what I had packed from home, but I was kicking myself for not bringing a little cooler. One more impulse purchase later (a plastic 5 gallon "pickle bucket" and a bag of ice at a grand total of $5) and problem solved!
Anyhow, we did the beach thing. 1 hour there (my total time, after those errands) was plenty. I'm not a beach fan. The texture of the sand kind of skeeves me out. We then headed over to the boat rental place. Two declared, "this is the BEST mystery family field trip EVER!"
Unfortunately, that sentiment ended as soon as we boarded the boat and set off. Choppy waters! So many other boats!!!!! Bob and I have very little boating experience, so we were totally over our head. I put on my game face, but Bob and the rest of my crew (see what I did there?) were unhappy and nervous. Which quickly led to a family meltdown. Bob was (at this point, sorta quietly) freaking out. One was cowering on the floor, crying, begging me to return him to shore. Two was showing his anxiety in his not-so-pleasant way (by becoming angry and a bit of an ass). I finally agreed to turn back, and then Three started crying when he realized he wouldn't get a chance to be on the tube (which we spent an extra $40 to rent).
As captain of the ship (oh yes, I was piloting that damn boat because Bob refused), I made an executive decision - just like that captain on the new Bravo reality show did when their customers were doing cocaine in the bathroom, are you watching that show??? - and said, "I am going tubing with Three. someone else has to drive the damn boat."
Cue One dissolving into even a bigger puddle of tears, and Two becoming enraged that Bob was allowing me to do that. "You are a fucker!" he yelled. "She is going to die!!!" Meanwhile, Bob threw his own little temper tantrum (something about not knowing the "rules" of tubing, and that he NEVER thought TUBING was a good idea), and sweet Three was pleased as punch that finally he would get to go tubing. My thoughts were mixed - part of me was dreading getting into the water, and another part of me was relieved to leave the crazy that was the boat.
We slowly puttered along, and it was fine. Fairly splashy, not too cold. Good enough. Three was thrilled and I was tolerating it. And then, for some reason, Bob got the idea to go faster. So he sped up. The tube started flying thru the water, and then we started catching air. Three was woo-hooing, and I started screaming, "NOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" and furiously shaking my head. This got translated into even faster speeds. My heart was racing, and I started to believe that Two's fears would indeed come true. They finally slowed down and I yelled to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! "Oh, sorry" Bob said. We resumed to puttering.
And then something strange happened... The mood in the boat seemed to lighten. One was actually sitting in a chair, drinking a soda and eating potato chips. Bob seemed happier, and laughed about something. Two seemed sullen still, but at least he wasn't throwing things or punching people. I finally said I was done, and One volunteered to tube with Three. I was able to return to the boat, and One entered the water for a bit. After a while, we decided tubing was done, and we just motored around, oggling the big mansions. Each of the boys took a turn driving the boat.
It wasn't until today in talking with Bob that I got the whole story of what happened when I was on the tube -something about some realization he had about how his mood affects the others (yup!), a connection to some fucked up shit from his childhood, and how, if our children express emotions, that is fine, perfectly normal, to be expected. It was, as Oprah would say, an Ah-Ha moment.
We ended feeling fairly triumphant that we all survived. We drove to Janesville to eat at Olive Garden, and we debriefed a bit. I suggested that we all spend time away from each other on Sunday, so as to not ruin this happy little ending from Saturday.
And so we did. Three played with a friend, and we went to the pool for a bit. One has been playing video games all day, and is heading over to a friend's house. Two has been gone with another fried all day - first to swim at the Union and now to little league baseball games. Bob is working, and I have been very, very lazy. And it has felt very, very good.
At first, I was using the words "family dysfunction" when thinking about our meltdown on the boat. I have since decided that's not correct, or fair. These messy times are exactly what should be happening in families. This is where we act our truest selves (not pretty) but hopefully where we learn to grow. Which we did. What we got out of this experience was much more than summer fun. We were stressed, pushed outside of our comfort zones, challenged to interact with each other in their moments of stress. We gained insight - individually and as a family - about how we function together as a team. I'm proud of us.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
overdue update
Oh boy. It's been so long. I don't know if I even remember how to do this.
So, how are you? Notice anything different? Since the last time I blogged, I developed a new skill. Which I am showing off now. I discovered that the whole "type a sentence, type a period, and add two spaces" is only for typing on typewriters, and we who use computers are supposed to only use one space. I was vehemently against this news when I heard it, but I've adjusted and actually, it is quite freeing. One space - that's all you gotta do!
Wow. This has the makings of one of the most boring posts in history.
So, life has been good, really good. It's now winter. 4th grade tackle football season ended great. My boy's team only won one game, but they played with heart and soul, and my boy had a great time playing. Basketball has begun. One and Two are both in a tri-county league. Twice/weekly practices (for each boy) started in November, and games start this coming weekend. Each boy has at least 2 games/weekend through February. I've embraced basketball and know I'm going to learn a lot.
We went on a great family vacation to Baltimore/Washington DC and then to NYC over Thanksgiving week. A definitely highlight of the week (and year) was meeting my newest little nephew, who had the good sense to be born while we were there in Baltimore. I was at the hospital and got to meet him within an hour of his birth, and I connived the way for my 2 eldest to meet their baby cousin. We had a fun time doing some light sightseeing in DC and in NYC too, but the best part was spending time with our east coast family members.
We are wrapping up what's got to be the longest winter break in history. Kids were off of school for two extra days at the beginning of break due to a huge snowstorm. Bob and I had planned to do some last minute, but essential, christmas shopping on one of those days, so we had to scramble and do it on a different day. We have entered the phase of parenting where we can leave our children home alone for a few hours, so we took advantage of that opportunity. Ah, what a difference a few years makes, and these little bursts of freedom are so, so lovely. Earlier in December, Bob and I did some other Christmas shopping, and we also went on a date one night while the kiddos were home alone.
Christmas was fun, low-key, relaxing. We hosted our regular Christmas eve party with a bunch of extended family whom we love and don't see regularly. Unfortunately, a nasty little stomach bug swept through our family during this time, but we soldiered on and still hosted our party. We had our traditional steal-a-gift game, which is always good fun. We also made true blue 1960's hippie Indian chicken curry, and the house smelled simply divine.
During our Christmas eve party, we skyped with far flung relatives (long story, but my brother is now stationed in Mongolia, of all places - read his blog), so we chatted with him, as well as his lovely bride and their new baby in Baltimore. Yes, my brother has to live in Mongolia for a few months while his wife and baby are here in the US. Actually, they are currently HERE in Madison, which has made for a very fun week. My boys have fallen head over heals in love with their sweet, teeny little cousin, and he is a star on One's Instagram page.
Christmas day was us 5 at home, happily playing with our new goodies (the big gift this year was huge flat screen tv and a mini-basement remodel, updating it from a play room to more of a hang out space). My parents came over for dinner, which was steaks on the grill, roasted sweet potatoes, and spinach salad, and it was delicious, especially since my stomach was cooperating that day.
New Years Eve was very quiet. We were anxiously awaiting our beloved Baltimorians to arrive, which happened late due to some unnamed airport delays. I ended up driving to my parents' house at around 8 pm to see them. I left a headache-y One and a tired Three home with Bob. Two scored an invite to a buddy's house for a sleepover that night. We all stayed up talking until past midnight and skyped again with Mark in Mongolia (and learned that they eat horse milk soup there - a fact which has haunted me since hearing it). I broke my own personal rule and drove on the streets after midnight on NYE; however, it was very, very quiet. People must have taken the "don't drink and drive" ad campaigns seriously - at least, they did in the neighborhoods I was in. As an OWI assessor and sober driver, I appreciated it. I sort of wondered if I would be pulled over simply for being on the roads, but no one took a second look at me.
I have worked some these past 2 weeks - 12 hours total each week. Enough to get out of the house and away from the madness. We have been a bit sloppy with childcare - Bob has stayed home with the kids one day, my parents popped in for a few hours a couple of different days, and one day we even (gasp) left them home alone for a few hours. That made me feel strange and unsettled, but a bit relieved too that they could handle themselves alone. However, when I came home and found out that the boys walked down to the bay a couple of blocks away to skate with other neighbor boys, I thought, "oh. hm. that sounds potentially dangerous and like it could become a news story awfully quickly. As in unattended-neighborhood-gaggle-of-boys-drown-in-icy-Monona-Bay." So, we have spoke a bit about safe ice vs unsafe, and we (I) have decided that the bay is unsafe, until I can observe it for myself.
We hosted a party for 2 of Baltimore's best the other night. I decided my New Years Resolution (which I'm not really into making) was to have people over more often. We used to entertain all the time. Really, before kids, early in our marriage, we'd have different groups over to play cards, play games, whatever. It was a blast. I miss that, and I've decided to try to get some of that back. So, to kick it off, we hosted a little local-relative get-to-know Baby K party the other night. Bob ended up working late into the eve out of town, so it was all on me. Other than our garbage disposal failing, it was a seamless event and fun to do. Encourages me to continue on this track.
We squeezed in a trip to Tenney Park for ice skating. (If you are local and haven't seen the new shelter yet, you must. It's gorgeous.) We have attended several basketball games (One and Two are in the tri-county league which means lots and lots of basketball, which means I'm finally learning a bit about this game). We are bracing ourselves for a rough re-entry into real-life tomorrow (first day at school since, when? December 18??). I have enjoyed the break from the homework and the schedules, but I also know it's time to get back into it. Best for these boys of mine to reconnect with their communities of friends and get some structure to their days.
I will leave you with some photos of, well... not what I was planning to post. I'm searching for photos I thought I just threw on my computer from my ipod of Baby K, but I can't find them. I did find these gems of two of my boys from years ago. Here is Two, around the age of 1 1/2, on the beach.
And here is One (age 3 1/2) and One (age 1) and a bunch of kids in our little wading pool at our new-old house in Middleton. Wow. These pictures feel like they happened a lifetime ago.
I will sign off now, so this post isn't delayed any further. I hope to be back with pictures of what may indeed be the cutest baby in the world - my little nephew K.
So, how are you? Notice anything different? Since the last time I blogged, I developed a new skill. Which I am showing off now. I discovered that the whole "type a sentence, type a period, and add two spaces" is only for typing on typewriters, and we who use computers are supposed to only use one space. I was vehemently against this news when I heard it, but I've adjusted and actually, it is quite freeing. One space - that's all you gotta do!
Wow. This has the makings of one of the most boring posts in history.
So, life has been good, really good. It's now winter. 4th grade tackle football season ended great. My boy's team only won one game, but they played with heart and soul, and my boy had a great time playing. Basketball has begun. One and Two are both in a tri-county league. Twice/weekly practices (for each boy) started in November, and games start this coming weekend. Each boy has at least 2 games/weekend through February. I've embraced basketball and know I'm going to learn a lot.
We went on a great family vacation to Baltimore/Washington DC and then to NYC over Thanksgiving week. A definitely highlight of the week (and year) was meeting my newest little nephew, who had the good sense to be born while we were there in Baltimore. I was at the hospital and got to meet him within an hour of his birth, and I connived the way for my 2 eldest to meet their baby cousin. We had a fun time doing some light sightseeing in DC and in NYC too, but the best part was spending time with our east coast family members.
We are wrapping up what's got to be the longest winter break in history. Kids were off of school for two extra days at the beginning of break due to a huge snowstorm. Bob and I had planned to do some last minute, but essential, christmas shopping on one of those days, so we had to scramble and do it on a different day. We have entered the phase of parenting where we can leave our children home alone for a few hours, so we took advantage of that opportunity. Ah, what a difference a few years makes, and these little bursts of freedom are so, so lovely. Earlier in December, Bob and I did some other Christmas shopping, and we also went on a date one night while the kiddos were home alone.
Christmas was fun, low-key, relaxing. We hosted our regular Christmas eve party with a bunch of extended family whom we love and don't see regularly. Unfortunately, a nasty little stomach bug swept through our family during this time, but we soldiered on and still hosted our party. We had our traditional steal-a-gift game, which is always good fun. We also made true blue 1960's hippie Indian chicken curry, and the house smelled simply divine.
During our Christmas eve party, we skyped with far flung relatives (long story, but my brother is now stationed in Mongolia, of all places - read his blog), so we chatted with him, as well as his lovely bride and their new baby in Baltimore. Yes, my brother has to live in Mongolia for a few months while his wife and baby are here in the US. Actually, they are currently HERE in Madison, which has made for a very fun week. My boys have fallen head over heals in love with their sweet, teeny little cousin, and he is a star on One's Instagram page.
Christmas day was us 5 at home, happily playing with our new goodies (the big gift this year was huge flat screen tv and a mini-basement remodel, updating it from a play room to more of a hang out space). My parents came over for dinner, which was steaks on the grill, roasted sweet potatoes, and spinach salad, and it was delicious, especially since my stomach was cooperating that day.
New Years Eve was very quiet. We were anxiously awaiting our beloved Baltimorians to arrive, which happened late due to some unnamed airport delays. I ended up driving to my parents' house at around 8 pm to see them. I left a headache-y One and a tired Three home with Bob. Two scored an invite to a buddy's house for a sleepover that night. We all stayed up talking until past midnight and skyped again with Mark in Mongolia (and learned that they eat horse milk soup there - a fact which has haunted me since hearing it). I broke my own personal rule and drove on the streets after midnight on NYE; however, it was very, very quiet. People must have taken the "don't drink and drive" ad campaigns seriously - at least, they did in the neighborhoods I was in. As an OWI assessor and sober driver, I appreciated it. I sort of wondered if I would be pulled over simply for being on the roads, but no one took a second look at me.
I have worked some these past 2 weeks - 12 hours total each week. Enough to get out of the house and away from the madness. We have been a bit sloppy with childcare - Bob has stayed home with the kids one day, my parents popped in for a few hours a couple of different days, and one day we even (gasp) left them home alone for a few hours. That made me feel strange and unsettled, but a bit relieved too that they could handle themselves alone. However, when I came home and found out that the boys walked down to the bay a couple of blocks away to skate with other neighbor boys, I thought, "oh. hm. that sounds potentially dangerous and like it could become a news story awfully quickly. As in unattended-neighborhood-gaggle-of-boys-drown-in-icy-Monona-Bay." So, we have spoke a bit about safe ice vs unsafe, and we (I) have decided that the bay is unsafe, until I can observe it for myself.
We hosted a party for 2 of Baltimore's best the other night. I decided my New Years Resolution (which I'm not really into making) was to have people over more often. We used to entertain all the time. Really, before kids, early in our marriage, we'd have different groups over to play cards, play games, whatever. It was a blast. I miss that, and I've decided to try to get some of that back. So, to kick it off, we hosted a little local-relative get-to-know Baby K party the other night. Bob ended up working late into the eve out of town, so it was all on me. Other than our garbage disposal failing, it was a seamless event and fun to do. Encourages me to continue on this track.
We squeezed in a trip to Tenney Park for ice skating. (If you are local and haven't seen the new shelter yet, you must. It's gorgeous.) We have attended several basketball games (One and Two are in the tri-county league which means lots and lots of basketball, which means I'm finally learning a bit about this game). We are bracing ourselves for a rough re-entry into real-life tomorrow (first day at school since, when? December 18??). I have enjoyed the break from the homework and the schedules, but I also know it's time to get back into it. Best for these boys of mine to reconnect with their communities of friends and get some structure to their days.
I will leave you with some photos of, well... not what I was planning to post. I'm searching for photos I thought I just threw on my computer from my ipod of Baby K, but I can't find them. I did find these gems of two of my boys from years ago. Here is Two, around the age of 1 1/2, on the beach.
Friday, October 12, 2012
October 9, 1997
First of all, thank you very much for your kind words. Anonymous #1, I seem to recall you having pneumonia in my house, and I'd like to remind you about how easy it was (cough, cough) for you to relax and get better. It gets a little raucous around here. Not necessarily the quiet, rehabilitative environment one would seek out when one is recovering from an illness.
A brief update: I am feeling better, emotionally as well as physically. The anti-biotics seem to be doing their job. I'm still cough cough coughing, but not nearly as badly as before and not through the night anymore. I have a curious wheeze still, which the inhaler I've been prescribed doesn't seem to touch. Or maybe it's that I don't know how to use an inhaler. I'll recover fully, this I know for sure.
As far as emotionally and interpersonally, we are on the mend around here too. My low point last weekend was when I mentioned to Bob that I wondered if we even liked each other anymore (forget about love) and he responded, a bit honestly, a bit brutally, that he wondered the same thing. The good thing is that we've always been good at communicating - when we make time for it - and we've made a commitment to continue to work toward our shared goals and not be so petty towards each other. At least, that's what I need to do. I hear myself being such a nag somedays. Ugly.
Ugh. Enough of that.
So, my sweet brother sent me an email reaching out to me and wondered how much of my emotional fragility (my words, not his) was tied to the anniversary I just passed. I was, still am, so appreciative that he has not forgotten the significance for me that is October 9, 1997.
15 years ago, this past Tuesday, I had what I think of as a life changing moment. I experienced my first "real" adult death that day (other than my dog dying a few years earlier, which I did take very hard actually, but she was elderly and it was her time). (Oh, but Tabitha - I still miss you, little doggy!)
In 1992, I started working as a child protection social worker doing "intake" (which means, we were the people who took the abuse/neglect phone calls and then went out knocking on the doors to investigate). This was my second professional job as a social worker. I got hired into a unit full of young, vibrant, interesting people. I made fast and deep friendships with people I am still very close to. This is what happens, I think, when you work in this sort of crisis work environment -- police officers, ERs in hospitals, etc. You become very close to your co-workers because you need to.
We worked and played hard together. We went to work conferences out of town and spent more time in the bars than in the conferences. We spent many a Friday night at a local bar, letting off steam. There were about 7 or so in the group - men and women, older and younger - and I love every one of them.
One of them was my friend, Marty. He was 7 years older than me and had a wicked sense of humor. Marty and I spent a lot of time outside of work together - sometimes with Bob (whom I was/am married to), sometimes with Marty's girlfriend, and sometimes just the two of us. Bob was never jealous, and our friendship was strictly platonic. I am grateful that things never felt weird that I was so close to a male friend.
Bob, Marty and I went on vacations together. We went on bike rides around Madison. We spent many nights playing Balderdash or other board games, which often ended with Marty and me trying to outdo each other in ridiculousness while the rest of the group tired of our antics. We went to rock concerts together. I was with Marty at the Memorial Union the night of OJ Simpson's slow speed Bronco chase. He was a HUGE part of my life. I knew that we would be life long friends. That we would grow old together and that our children would be friends.
You can guess where this is going, I bet. Marty had a congenital heart defect which killed his mother at an early age. He was monitored by a doctor, but he didn't seem to take it very seriously. He was a vegetarian and worked out regularly, but I think that was more for vanity than for good health. On October 9, 1997, Marty went to work out on the treadmill at a local health club. His heart stopped, and he died.
I remember vividly the details of that night, the next day, the visitation, the funeral. I recall going into work the next morning wearing my sweatshirt and leggings, hair not brushed, feeling like I was run over by a truck. We had a meeting that morning to debrief, and I recall feeling numb. Not crying, not knowing what to do/how to feel. The feeling I recall the strongest was that I just wanted to call up Marty and say, "this is so weird," and then process it for hours with him.
I knew, the moment I heard the news, that my life would be forever different.
The anniversaries of his death have been how you would expect. Very painful, deeply difficult in the beginning. But now? It's more of a dull ache. I still think about him a lot - in fact, when I returned to the workplace (not for the same agency, but a cousin agency and in the same field), I had many dreams where he visited me. I will hear a song on the radio, and I think of him. I still have a hard time listening to Bob Dylan (his all time favorite artist), and Bruce Springstein and Van Morrison stop me in my tracks, give me pause to think of him.
Since then, I have experienced many more deaths. Another one in our cozy group died from brain cancer (his anniversary is also in early October). My grandparents have all died. My husband's beloved aunt who also was our children's grandmother passed away a couple of years ago. Friends' husbands and neighbors and other co-workers are gone, as well as parents/siblings/grandparents of friends. Heck, even Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson's deaths have been hard to wrap my head around.
Death is hard; doesn't get any easier the more you do it. When I think about the potential losses I have to face (my parents, my husband, my brothers, my children God forbid) I get paralyzed, can't go there, need to move on. Also, as I approach another revolution around the sun, I have also been thinking about MY death a bit more lately. And then I distract myself. I can't go there, not yet, not now.
So, to end and for the sake of distraction, here's a current favorite photo of my football warrior, Two. I posted this on facebook already, but I just love this so. It captures his determination and drive. Despite the teams losing record (currently they are 0 -5), he is having a hell of a season and is so much fun to watch on the field.
A brief update: I am feeling better, emotionally as well as physically. The anti-biotics seem to be doing their job. I'm still cough cough coughing, but not nearly as badly as before and not through the night anymore. I have a curious wheeze still, which the inhaler I've been prescribed doesn't seem to touch. Or maybe it's that I don't know how to use an inhaler. I'll recover fully, this I know for sure.
As far as emotionally and interpersonally, we are on the mend around here too. My low point last weekend was when I mentioned to Bob that I wondered if we even liked each other anymore (forget about love) and he responded, a bit honestly, a bit brutally, that he wondered the same thing. The good thing is that we've always been good at communicating - when we make time for it - and we've made a commitment to continue to work toward our shared goals and not be so petty towards each other. At least, that's what I need to do. I hear myself being such a nag somedays. Ugly.
Ugh. Enough of that.
So, my sweet brother sent me an email reaching out to me and wondered how much of my emotional fragility (my words, not his) was tied to the anniversary I just passed. I was, still am, so appreciative that he has not forgotten the significance for me that is October 9, 1997.
15 years ago, this past Tuesday, I had what I think of as a life changing moment. I experienced my first "real" adult death that day (other than my dog dying a few years earlier, which I did take very hard actually, but she was elderly and it was her time). (Oh, but Tabitha - I still miss you, little doggy!)
In 1992, I started working as a child protection social worker doing "intake" (which means, we were the people who took the abuse/neglect phone calls and then went out knocking on the doors to investigate). This was my second professional job as a social worker. I got hired into a unit full of young, vibrant, interesting people. I made fast and deep friendships with people I am still very close to. This is what happens, I think, when you work in this sort of crisis work environment -- police officers, ERs in hospitals, etc. You become very close to your co-workers because you need to.
We worked and played hard together. We went to work conferences out of town and spent more time in the bars than in the conferences. We spent many a Friday night at a local bar, letting off steam. There were about 7 or so in the group - men and women, older and younger - and I love every one of them.
One of them was my friend, Marty. He was 7 years older than me and had a wicked sense of humor. Marty and I spent a lot of time outside of work together - sometimes with Bob (whom I was/am married to), sometimes with Marty's girlfriend, and sometimes just the two of us. Bob was never jealous, and our friendship was strictly platonic. I am grateful that things never felt weird that I was so close to a male friend.
Bob, Marty and I went on vacations together. We went on bike rides around Madison. We spent many nights playing Balderdash or other board games, which often ended with Marty and me trying to outdo each other in ridiculousness while the rest of the group tired of our antics. We went to rock concerts together. I was with Marty at the Memorial Union the night of OJ Simpson's slow speed Bronco chase. He was a HUGE part of my life. I knew that we would be life long friends. That we would grow old together and that our children would be friends.
You can guess where this is going, I bet. Marty had a congenital heart defect which killed his mother at an early age. He was monitored by a doctor, but he didn't seem to take it very seriously. He was a vegetarian and worked out regularly, but I think that was more for vanity than for good health. On October 9, 1997, Marty went to work out on the treadmill at a local health club. His heart stopped, and he died.
I remember vividly the details of that night, the next day, the visitation, the funeral. I recall going into work the next morning wearing my sweatshirt and leggings, hair not brushed, feeling like I was run over by a truck. We had a meeting that morning to debrief, and I recall feeling numb. Not crying, not knowing what to do/how to feel. The feeling I recall the strongest was that I just wanted to call up Marty and say, "this is so weird," and then process it for hours with him.
I knew, the moment I heard the news, that my life would be forever different.
The anniversaries of his death have been how you would expect. Very painful, deeply difficult in the beginning. But now? It's more of a dull ache. I still think about him a lot - in fact, when I returned to the workplace (not for the same agency, but a cousin agency and in the same field), I had many dreams where he visited me. I will hear a song on the radio, and I think of him. I still have a hard time listening to Bob Dylan (his all time favorite artist), and Bruce Springstein and Van Morrison stop me in my tracks, give me pause to think of him.
Since then, I have experienced many more deaths. Another one in our cozy group died from brain cancer (his anniversary is also in early October). My grandparents have all died. My husband's beloved aunt who also was our children's grandmother passed away a couple of years ago. Friends' husbands and neighbors and other co-workers are gone, as well as parents/siblings/grandparents of friends. Heck, even Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson's deaths have been hard to wrap my head around.
Death is hard; doesn't get any easier the more you do it. When I think about the potential losses I have to face (my parents, my husband, my brothers, my children God forbid) I get paralyzed, can't go there, need to move on. Also, as I approach another revolution around the sun, I have also been thinking about MY death a bit more lately. And then I distract myself. I can't go there, not yet, not now.
So, to end and for the sake of distraction, here's a current favorite photo of my football warrior, Two. I posted this on facebook already, but I just love this so. It captures his determination and drive. Despite the teams losing record (currently they are 0 -5), he is having a hell of a season and is so much fun to watch on the field.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
feeling sorry for myself
I'm cranky. I can't figure out how to use Photobucket (one of Two's teammates' mom's put a bunch of great photos of the team in action in photobucket and invited us to view/use them, and I can't figure it out). Also? Bob and I are bickering. Also? I still feel like shit. Also? I am overwhelmed with life. Working 32 hours/week and having a husband who works probably double that and having 3 active children is a pace I am not used to. I sort of feel like everything is falling apart around me, yet I can't lift my head to even acknowledge it. Just gotta keep on trudging along and hope for the best.
I am definitely in a day-by-day existence lately. Not much planning for the future. I have a friend who very sweetly wants to take me out for my upcoming birthday, and I can't even really entertain that right now. I think, "yeah, yeah, let's talk again in November when maybe I will finally be feeling better and may have a chance to literally and figuratively catch my breath again."
I am getting ready to have book club here. Yes, I know. Stupid of me to host book club on a night when I am feeling everything I listed in paragraph one, particularly pneumonia (which I have never had before. Have you? it SUCKS.). I planned an easy menu (chili with already prepared chili sauce that I canned last year, salad, no-kneed bread, desert from Trader Joe's) and there are only 3-4 people coming, so I just want to host and get it over with. Bob is annoyed at me for not canceling. I understand what he says, but then again, I don't. I am realizing I don't know how to be sick.
In this entire 3 week saga (today starts week #4) of having to drag myself through every day, I have taken one 6 hour day off. I have cancelled my own personal plans for every Friday night that I've been sick, but other than that, I haven't really slowed down much. Silly as it sounds, i don't know how to. Does anyone? And I wonder what I'm teaching the kids about self-care.
I sort of just want to cry.
Here's to hoping the antibiotic will work. Here's to hoping my fearless "I don't need to slow down to beat this thing" attitude is right. Here's to, finger's crossed, hoping my family and marriage gets healthier as I do.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
The Update
Still recovering from The Flu. As in, influenza. As in, yuck. The doctor last week predicted it would last 7 days. I'm on day 7 (or is it 8?) and, although I am getting better, I am not 100%. Maybe 60%. "I'm so sick of feeling sick," I keep muttering to myself. And now I'm sick of talking/writing/thinking about being sick.
So, enough of that.
On Friday, my yard swelled to accomodate 3 more boys, for a grand total of 10. It felt like so many more, as these 3 final were some high school neighborhood boys who joined in on the football game on their walk home from the bus stop. What a thrill, to play with the high school boys! As I watched them play together, I couldn't help but recall how I knew these kids when they were in kindergarten, first grade... And now they are nearly driving age. It all goes by so fast.
I do love my neighborhood so. We are rich with boys.
Speaking of boys and football, Bob took the oldest two to the high school game on Friday night. It was "Regent Night", which meant that all of the younger "Regent" kids, which Two is (and One used to be) attend the game with their jersey, go on the field for half time, and get a free hotdog afterwards. I was holding court at home with Three (see first paragraph), and we had a very sweet little night filled with baths and hot showers and reading books and early bedtime. Anyhow, the report from the gridiron was that it was fun. And cold. Bob rarely saw the kids, as they got absorbed into the crowd once they entered the stadium.
You may think that may be the end of my football stories for this post, but oh no. Not even close. We are in football mode nearly round-the-clock around here. Two and his team played their 3rd game of the season. They are (drumroll please) oh for three so far this season. But who cares! They are the little team that could - or, at least, one day they will be. They are making great strides with each game. The coach is awesome and positive and encouraging, and he is very pleased with their progress.
Every team they have played has had double the number of players on it, which makes a huge difference. Most of the kids, mine included, play in every single play of the game, while these other teams can substitute out completely different groups for offense/defense. Our boys, mine included, are pretty wiped out at the end of each game. Doesn't help that Two gets so nervous before the game that he doesn't want to eat.
Here are some random pictures:
Yes, I still do have two other boys. One is saving himself for after school opportunities (that appear to be aplenty in middle school), as well as basketball (try-outs are next month). Three is playing soccer again, which is super cute and fun in a very this-is-not-tackle-football way.
I am facing a big week. I have a 2 day training for my extra job, which I am looking forward to, but it means that I will be working longer to get my regular hours in on my regular job. Working 40 hours this week. I am thankful that this is the exception, not the norm.
So, enough of that.
On Friday, my yard swelled to accomodate 3 more boys, for a grand total of 10. It felt like so many more, as these 3 final were some high school neighborhood boys who joined in on the football game on their walk home from the bus stop. What a thrill, to play with the high school boys! As I watched them play together, I couldn't help but recall how I knew these kids when they were in kindergarten, first grade... And now they are nearly driving age. It all goes by so fast.
I do love my neighborhood so. We are rich with boys.
Speaking of boys and football, Bob took the oldest two to the high school game on Friday night. It was "Regent Night", which meant that all of the younger "Regent" kids, which Two is (and One used to be) attend the game with their jersey, go on the field for half time, and get a free hotdog afterwards. I was holding court at home with Three (see first paragraph), and we had a very sweet little night filled with baths and hot showers and reading books and early bedtime. Anyhow, the report from the gridiron was that it was fun. And cold. Bob rarely saw the kids, as they got absorbed into the crowd once they entered the stadium.
You may think that may be the end of my football stories for this post, but oh no. Not even close. We are in football mode nearly round-the-clock around here. Two and his team played their 3rd game of the season. They are (drumroll please) oh for three so far this season. But who cares! They are the little team that could - or, at least, one day they will be. They are making great strides with each game. The coach is awesome and positive and encouraging, and he is very pleased with their progress.
Every team they have played has had double the number of players on it, which makes a huge difference. Most of the kids, mine included, play in every single play of the game, while these other teams can substitute out completely different groups for offense/defense. Our boys, mine included, are pretty wiped out at the end of each game. Doesn't help that Two gets so nervous before the game that he doesn't want to eat.
Here are some random pictures:
Two turned 9 in August. He had a sweet little party with 5 other boys. We went to the Goodman Pool. They played football and capture the flag and kick the can. We ordered our last cake from Lane's Bakery. And then they slept over (and actually slept!).
Picnic Point - end of August
Visit to the State Capital - end of August
OK, Football - as promised Here is my Two, injured. This has happened to him at least in every game. I think it is partly nerves (he is the main ball carrier, so he has a lot of his shoulders) and partly being exhausted (he is the main ball carrier, so he runs a lot). Usually, he is down because he got tackled hard and got the wind knocked out of him. He always gets up and gets back into the game after sitting out for a rotation.
Here he is, tackled after a looooooong run last week.
Number 20, in on the tackle.
Another run!
I don't want to be that parent but it is really cool, I will admit, hearing other random spectators calling out my son's name, cheering him on during (another) long run.
Not Two, but his BFF, who is the other main ball carrier, getting his first TD.
He had a really good game that week.
There's the team.
Great bunch of kids.
He's not afraid to push through the defense to get extra yards.
I am facing a big week. I have a 2 day training for my extra job, which I am looking forward to, but it means that I will be working longer to get my regular hours in on my regular job. Working 40 hours this week. I am thankful that this is the exception, not the norm.
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