feeling sorry for myself

I'm cranky.  I can't figure out how to use Photobucket (one of Two's teammates' mom's put a bunch of great photos of the team in action in photobucket and invited us to view/use them, and I can't figure it out).  Also?  Bob and I are bickering.  Also?  I still feel like shit.  Also?  I am overwhelmed with life.  Working 32 hours/week and having a husband who works probably double that and having 3 active children is a pace I am not used to.  I sort of feel like everything is falling apart around me, yet I can't lift my head to even acknowledge it.  Just gotta keep on trudging along and hope for the best.  

I am definitely in a day-by-day existence lately.  Not much planning for the future.  I have a friend who very sweetly wants to take me out for my upcoming birthday, and I can't even really entertain that right now.  I think, "yeah, yeah, let's talk again in November when maybe I will finally be feeling better and may have a chance to literally and figuratively catch my breath again."  

I am getting ready to have book club here.  Yes, I know.  Stupid of me to host book club on a night when I am feeling everything I listed in paragraph one, particularly pneumonia (which I have never had before.  Have you?  it SUCKS.).  I planned an easy menu (chili with already prepared chili sauce that I canned last year, salad, no-kneed bread, desert from Trader Joe's) and there are only 3-4 people coming, so I just want to host and get it over with.  Bob is annoyed at me for not canceling.  I understand what he says, but then again, I don't. I am realizing I don't know how to be sick.  

In this entire 3 week saga (today starts week #4) of having to drag myself through every day, I have taken one 6 hour day off.  I have cancelled my own personal plans for every Friday night that I've been sick, but other than that, I haven't really slowed down much.  Silly as it sounds, i don't know how to. Does anyone?  And I wonder what I'm teaching the kids about self-care.

I sort of just want to cry.  

Here's to hoping the antibiotic will work.  Here's to hoping my fearless "I don't need to slow down to beat this thing" attitude is right.  Here's to, finger's crossed, hoping my family and marriage gets healthier as I do.  

The Update

Still recovering from The Flu.  As in, influenza.  As in, yuck.  The doctor last week predicted it would last 7 days.  I'm on day 7 (or is it 8?) and, although I am getting better, I am not 100%.  Maybe 60%.  "I'm so sick of feeling sick," I keep muttering to myself.  And now I'm sick of talking/writing/thinking about being sick.

So, enough of that.

On Friday, my yard swelled to accomodate 3 more boys, for a grand total of 10.  It felt like so many more, as these 3 final were some high school neighborhood boys who joined in on the football game on their walk home from the bus stop.  What a thrill, to play with the high school boys!  As I watched them play together, I couldn't help but recall how I knew these kids when they were in kindergarten, first grade...  And now they are nearly driving age.  It all goes by so fast.

I do love my neighborhood so.  We are rich with boys.

Speaking of boys and football, Bob took the oldest two to the high school game on Friday night.  It was "Regent Night", which meant that all of the younger "Regent" kids, which Two is (and One used to be) attend the game with their jersey, go on the field for half time, and get a free hotdog afterwards.  I was holding court at home with Three (see first paragraph), and we had a very sweet little night filled with baths and hot showers and reading books and early bedtime.  Anyhow, the report from the gridiron was that it was fun.  And cold.  Bob rarely saw the kids, as they got absorbed into the crowd once they entered the stadium.

You may think that may be the end of my football stories for this post, but oh no.  Not even close.  We are in football mode nearly round-the-clock around here.  Two and his team played their 3rd game of the season.  They are (drumroll please) oh for three so far this season.  But who cares!  They are the little team that could - or, at least, one day they will be.  They are making great strides with each game.  The coach is awesome and positive and encouraging, and he is very pleased with their progress.

Every team they have played has had double the number of players on it, which makes a huge difference.  Most of the kids, mine included, play in every single play of the game, while these other teams can substitute out completely different groups for offense/defense.  Our boys, mine included, are pretty wiped out at the end of each game.  Doesn't help that Two gets so nervous before the game that he doesn't want to eat.

Here are some random pictures:

Two turned 9 in August.  He had a sweet little party with 5 other boys.  We went to the Goodman Pool.  They played football and capture the flag and kick the can.  We ordered our last cake from Lane's Bakery.  And then they slept over (and actually slept!).

Picnic Point - end of August

Visit to the State Capital - end of August

OK, Football - as promised  Here is my Two, injured.  This has happened to him at least in every game.  I think it is partly nerves (he is the main ball carrier, so he has a lot of his shoulders) and partly being exhausted (he is the main ball carrier, so he runs a lot).  Usually, he is down because he got tackled hard and got the wind knocked out of him.  He always gets up and gets back into the game after sitting out for a rotation.

Here he is, tackled after a looooooong run last week.

Number 20, in on the tackle.  

Another run!

I don't want to be that parent but it is really cool, I will admit, hearing other random spectators calling out my son's name, cheering him on during (another) long run.

Not Two, but his BFF, who is the other main ball carrier, getting his first TD.

He had a really good game that week.

There's the team.  

Great bunch of kids.

He's not afraid to push through the defense to get extra yards.

 Yes, I still do have two other boys.  One is saving himself for after school opportunities (that appear to be aplenty in middle school), as well as basketball (try-outs are next month).  Three is playing soccer again, which is super cute and fun in a very this-is-not-tackle-football way.

I am facing a big week.  I have a 2 day training for my extra job, which I am looking forward to, but it means that I will be working longer to get my regular hours in on my regular job.  Working 40 hours this week.  I am thankful that this is the exception, not the norm.

musings from my sick bed

I have been sick all week.  Started on Sunday with a sore throat and quickly progressed to a fever, cough, and body aches.  I didn't do the wise thing and take care of myself.  Instead, I opted to work (12 hours on Monday, 8 on Tuesday, and 6 on Wednesday).  In addition, I had other commitments, namely 3 well child checks (for my 3 healthy boys) as well as a back-to-school night at the Middle School which I was NOT going to miss.  And I didn't.  By Wednesday night, I collapsed in my bed, clutching my bottle Nyquil, and I've been mainly horizontal since.

Some thoughts:

1.  The 2 am "booster dose" of Nyquil makes waking up at 5:45 am very, very hard.

2.  My boys can be incredibly sweet.

3.  Middle school is awesome!  Teachers are great and committed and interesting.  The school has a no tolerance bullying policy which makes it (so far) as safe community.

4.  There can be too much viewing of Real Housewives.  I think I may have done permanent brain damage.

5.  My house has definitely become the house to hang out.  After school today, 4 extra children have migrated over here, which brings the grand total to 7 boys.  This makes me so happy.

I'm exhausted.  Back to horizontal.

What I did on my summer vacation

Hi,

I had the last full week of August off from work, and I had the best damn time being at home with my kids.  Reminded me about those good old days of being a stay at home mom.  Lazy mornings.  Open schedules.  Having the time to read the daily paper.  Sitting in a hot house and not wanting to turn on the a/c.  Noticing how much my children bicker with each other.  Continually picking up after them.  Making breakfast, then snack, then lunch, then snack, then hearing "I'm hungry, what's for dinner?" and then having them not eat it because "it's too hot/cold/healthy/colorful".  Hearing the sound of the tv for way more time than it should be on.  Oh, wait a minute.  I guess there are some benefits to working outside of the home.  

One thing I did do that week was take some pictures.  I have been a very negligent photographer this summer.  

We went to Babcock Hall to get ice cream.  My kids loved that name and chortled about it all afternoon.  

We then went to Picnic Point with our friends.  Kids climbed trees and played in the sand while one of my dearest mama friends and I chatted. 

 Love.  

I decided to attempt for a Christmas card photo.  What do you think?

Oh, this renegade photo is from Two's ninth birthday.  More on that in another post.  

On another day, we took a field trip to Ian's pizza for lunch and the state capital for a mini civics lesson.   We sang with the solidarity singers and risked arrest.  Afterwards, we assembled...

... and enjoyed the beautiful view.

We took two trips to Devil's Lake.  This last week of school is filled with all sorts of school obligations, such as registering children and paying gobs of fees and picking out band instruments and meeting teachers for "Ready Set Goal!" conferences and the like.  Our first trip was super short - sandwiched between some of this school stuff.  Our second trip was simply lovely.  Three did one of his favorite things and built a stone sculpture.

Decorated with an army guy he found on the beach.  

Double love.

I had decided to take the children on a mystery field trip.  It was a mystery only to the children, and simply because I didn't want to hear them complain about how awwfulllll and borrrrrrringgggggg it would be before heading there.  The only hints I gave them was that we were heading to a state we hadn't visited before, we were not staying overnight, and (best of all) it was free.

Any guesses?

Here's a hint...

Here's another one...

We drove to Dyersville, IL and went to Field of Dreams!  So fun!  So peaceful!

Except for this sick boy.  Did I mention that One was sick all week?  I had more ideas planned for the week, but we scrapped some of them.  He rallied for the mystery field trip, but ended up on the outfield in the prone position for a while.

 Another potential christmas card photo?

This one is better.

There's not much to do there, and that is certainly part of the charm.  We brought our bat, a rubber red ball that, turns out, was Dash the Dog's ball and, turns out, SQUEAKED every time we hit it (ha! dork alert!), and gloves, and we played a couple of innings in the outfield with our shoes as bases (dork alert number 2!) (other, more organized and serious groups were using the actual field).  It was really fun, and I was reminded at how much the kids enjoy the simple pleasures of their parents playing with them.  

Kids ran through the cornfields. 

And then we just laid in the grass, enjoying the peaceful vibe.  The grass was luscious.  It was simple and perfect.  Simply perfect.

On the drive home, we stopped in downtown Dubuque, Iowa along the Mississippi river.  We walked along the Riverwalk and sat and watched the river.  

There were many trains traveling on the Wisconsin side of the river.  There were wedding parties taking pictures.  Beautiful, potted flowers.  Big rocks to climb up and down.  There was a steep hill on the walk back to the parking lot, which the kids rolled down over and over.  Something came over me, and I rolled down the hill once too.  The kids laughed. I almost threw up, but it was worth it.  

Love.

We got home by sunset and watched Field of Dreams, which I had rented from the library.  It was the perfect end to a lovely day.  

We also said goodbye to the Goodman Pool for the season (so sad!) and went to Mt Olympus water park for an afternoon (so overwhelming!).  No pictures of that.  And no need to return any time soon.

We are week #2 into the school year, and re-entry has been relatively smooth.  Middle school is so far, so good.  Fingers crossed.  4th grade is great, but we knew that.  1st grade is going well too.  We seem to have once again hit the lottery with teachers, for which I am thankful.  

I will sign off.  It's my (new) typical Monday schedule, and I worked 12 hours today.  Will work 8 tomorrow.  Off to bed to recharge for morning.

summer summary

Waaaay too much to update here.  I'm overwhelmed at the task at hand.  Maybe I should summarize my summer, so far.

1.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, I bike to the neighborhood pool and swim laps from 6 - 6:30 am with a friend/neighbor.  On Wednesdays, we walk for 50 minutes of so during that six o'clock hour - because it's hard to talk and swim laps at the same time, so we have to catch up on our news together on Wednesdays.  This whole exercise with a friend concept?  It works!

2.  I have loved watching many sunrises while swimming my laps, and I have noticed my endurance really increase as the weeks have ticked away.  The last couple of weeks, I've included some olympics daydreaming during my swimming.  I pretend I'm training for Rio 2016.  hahahahaha.

3.  We had a week of vacation up in Door County (Fish Creek, WI) at our regular spot in mid July.  I made sure to charge my camera and clean up the memory card, and then I promptly forgot the camera at home next to the computer.   Doh!  I have asked for the photos from my parents but have yet to grab them.  Anyhow, if you had talked to me a week or two prior to this trip, you would have heard me complaining about the week.  Bob was not going (needed to stay home and work), nor were my younger brother/sister-in-law.  I was anticipating missing my buddies and being very lonely indeed (amidst my parents, other extended family members, and my 3 children).  Turns out the week was actually pretty fun.  We stopped by this awesomely cheap amusement park on the way up.  Kids played a bunch of euchre (our family's card game).  They made multiple trips to the Candy Store (which caused me to sing 50 Cent Candy Shop over and over and over).  We had a fun rainy day.  We went to the beach, to PC Junction, Cave Point County Park - all the favorites.  The week ended with me getting a nasty cold and driving home feeling lousy, but even that went ok.  I asked a lot of my boys since I was solo parenting, and they rose to the challenge.

4.  I have added 8 hours to my work week, so now I'm working 32 hours/week.  I work 12 hours on Mondays, but it all pays off by Thursdays at 2 pm, where I'm off until Monday morning.  My extra hours are doing new type of work - still social work, still at the same agency, just a different focus - and I really, really enjoy it.  I feel blessed to do something that I love, that I am trained in, and that is fulfilling to me.  And I dig the people I work with, so that's a nice bonus.  What's not so nice is being gone from my boys, but we are all handling it fairly well.  Our nanny this year is my cousin's adult son, and he's great.  He keeps the kids active, and they enjoy their time with him.

5.  We had too short of a visit in late June with my aforementioned brother/sister-in-law who are now on the move to Tunisia.  My brother got a position with the Peace Corps there, and although I am thrilled for him to have scored such a perfect job for him, I am sad that he is even further away than ever now.  I will visit him - I will! - so now my focus is on saving pennies here and there so that as many of us who want to make the trek can go there.  My brother is back to updating his blog, so read about his adventures there.

6.  Bob and I made the executive decision to not allow One to play tackle football, given the fact that the (self induced) pressure of that situation put him into a bit of an emotional tailspin the past 2 years.  We just took the option away from him.  "We are not paying for it," we said.  He seems relieved to be off the hook, as are we.  It's a much more peaceful August than in years' past.  Two, on the other hand, has just started playing - he of the different temperament than his older brother.  "Are you nervous?" I asked him on the drive to his first practice last week.  He looked at me quizzically, like, "should I be nervous?" and said, "nah."  What a joy to drive a kid to football practice who isn't tantrumming in the car.  What a joy and a relief.

7.  I love learning little things like that about my kids and how to better parent them.  I feel sad that I seem to learn most of those lessons on One's dime.  Those first borns really do have to forge their way, and mine, in the world.  I have a whole new respect for the uptight, anxious, type A firstborns out there.

8.  I read a great book (Gone Girl) and just downloaded another one to my kindle app on my ipad.  I feel so high tech.  Now I just hope I don't forget to read it.

9.  I said goodbye to a very dear friend's very dear mother who passed away last month.  I visited her in the hospital a few weeks before she passed, and I am so glad I got a chance to see her one last time.  The world seemed like a better, safer place with her in it.  Even though I didn't see her very often, I felt comforted knowing that she was out there, doing her thing, being her self, in the world.  I miss her a lot, and my heart hurts for my friend and her loss.

And on that note, I think I'm done.  More to add, but not tonight.  

heat wave

Recent weather Madison

Reflections during this recent heat wave...

1.  I've never wanted to live in Arizona, or the Sahara Desert, or Texas (no offense to any of those fine locales), and this weather confirms it.

2.  Biking in 103 degree weather isn't as bad as one would think.  Until one wants to sit on one's bike seat, which has been outside, collecting heat all day long.  It was a slow burning sensation on the most private of my areas, and I finished my (thankfully short) bike commute home biking while standing.

3.  Posting about my burnt lady parts on facebook wasn't too embarrassing.

4.  Little, and big, people get increasingly more irritable as the mercury rises.

5.  Even the Goodman Pool cannot make those irritations go away.  My kids were complaining about the pool yesterday like I was forcing them to go on a death march.  After an hour or so of too many bodies, too bright sunshine, too loud voices, too many unwanted splashes of water in my face, I called "uncle" and allowed us all to retreat or our own corners in our house.  Best decision of my life.

6.  The repeated warnings to check on the elderly has served as a reminder that I have no more elderly loved ones to check on.  And that makes me very, very sad.

7.  Going to a Milwaukee Brewers game in 101 degree heat isn't the smartest of ideas, even if you can bring in your own food/non-alcoholic drinks (you can!), even if you move to nicer seats in the shade (you can do that too!).  It was blasted hot.  We stayed to the end (extra innings, even), and the car ride home was extra stinky.

8.  Wet, sweaty denim is disgusting (see #7)

9.  Little boys' feelings can get hurt by a snappy mom.  Feelings are best soothed by tender love, talking about the day they were born, and looking at old photo albums.

10.  It's never too hot for home baked chocolate chip cookies.

Summer

Scorching heat 

Tan lines

Goodman pool

No Mosquitos! 

Brewers baseball games

Bike rides

Lap swimming

Staying up too late

Visits from out of town

Moving too fast

Overdue pedicure

Beer

Listening to Paul Simon

Sunshine

And no rain in sight.